So I guess that's what this will all come down to, September 4 we have our appointment with the fertility specialist…again. I thought maybe I'd be excited/happy to finally be doing this again, but I really can't describe my feelings. I have been extremely on edge lately, letting little things bother me more than they should, and just generally feeling very anxious. I want this to happen, I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mom, I want to create a family with my husband. But I have this intense fear that it won't work. That it'll never happen. According to our insurance, we have five chances. What happens after that? What if those five chances don't work? What if one of them does work?
I think my anxiety about this process has been compounded by non-understanding friends and family. There are only a few people (besides all of my CF sisters) that know of our struggles to conceive. One of them is a good friend from college whose sister also went through infertility. I have often felt that only opening up to people who've been in my shoes will help me, so I opened up to this friend. They should understand, and they will comfort me and guide me because they know what its like. But anyway…this friend from college has a 2 year old and she emailed our group of friends to set up a "play date" for the kids (2 of the 5 girls have kids). Before you judge me, please know how difficult that type of thing is for someone trying to conceive. I adore children, I love their snuggles and their laughter…but in my current state of mind, I really am not finding as much enjoyment in that. Why am I being invited to your child's playdate? Do I have to go? Will I be "disowned" from our group if I refuse or cancel at the last minute? A lot of this trying to conceive is putting on a happy face and moving on…getting up and going about your day as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Right now, I don't want to do that. I don't want to put on my happy face.
It is such a personal struggle, feeling like you're doing something wrong. IF you talked about this, it becomes very personal. Or for those who've never had these struggles, it becomes a very awkward subject. They don't see why you are so upset…or why you can't just "relax" and "let it happen". The problem is infertility is a very real medical struggle. There are reasons why this isn't happening and sometimes it takes a lot of medical tests and procedures to make it right. Relaxing won't work for those problems. This is something that so many people are able to achieve freely and easily and for those of us who can't…it feels as if we are broken.
And then there's Facebook. Again, I adore seeing pictures of your kids and the funny stories make me laugh…its the "my life is so much better with kids" posts that irritate me. I hate the way this is coming out, but I can't verbalize the emotions. I would do anything to be in your position. I would love to be a mom posting pictures and anecdotes of my little one(s). But right now, I don't want to be anywhere near those posts. Again it goes back to the "i'm going to put on my happy face" attitude. If I take a break from Facebook or stop posting/commenting…people will worry. My family will wonder whats going on…and I can't bear the thought of having to tell them I can't/haven't been able to conceive.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Saturday, August 15, 2015
What I've been waiting for!
Two major updates on this post. And a minor update.
Update #1: Physical Therapy Progress
I had another monthly check with my clinic PT the other day. I've been working with him monthly on strength and conditioning exercises. Usually he will give me new exercises to work into my routine at the gym. This week, we did a whole reevaluation…and I am thrilled to say I have made some great progress! My six minute walk test improved by 12%, I was able to increase my bicep and tricep weight tolerance by 5 pounds and I had amazingly improved on planks and pushups! Wahooo!!
I tried to tell him that I could tell it was all working because my legs felt "less flabby". And in truth, I have felt that my body shape has improved as well, not as much jiggling in my belly. When I was at the gym later in the week, I watched myself in the mirror and could see the difference when I did whatever exercise it was that I was working on. So instead of adding new exercises this week, he just increased the intensity of what I have been doing…so if I was planking for 30 seconds before, I now have to do 45 seconds. Or if I was doing 6 push ups before, I have to do 10 now. And for exercises with weights, I have to do 12.5 pounds instead of 10.
I am extremely excited for these results. It's great motivation for me to keep going. I want to see progress and change. To think that I've been meeting with the PT for 10 weeks now…I was on vacation for one whole week, had a few bouts of bowel blockages in which I was not able to work out…and to see progress despite all of that, I am pretty amazed! What will the next month bring, if I can go to the gym more frequently and I don't get sick? *insert happy face*
Update #2: Fertility Treatments
It took us quite a while…but we finally have our new insurance! And of course I called to see what they cover for fertility right away. The general copay is quite steep (in my opinion, and compared to before)…BUT our deductible is very low. So…if we meet our deductible (with fertility visits OR any other medical costs)…then there would be no additional cost for treatments. Since we just started with the insurance it isn't likely we will have met our deductible any time soon…and of course that deductible would start over again on January 1.
So I called the fertility clinic yesterday to start thinking about getting back there. They gave me a list of dates that our doctor is in the office and as soon as husband and I can agree on a date, I will call them back. Since we've already done two tries with IUI, my inkling is that he (the doctor) will want to proceed right to IVF. I am ok with that, but I am not sure husband is ready for that. The one problem with the new insurance is that we have a lifetime limit of five cycles of fertility treatments. So naturally, I don't want to waste any of those on IUI if it might not work. I might agree to one more round of that, but I don't want to keep that up. I just don't know. I have said previously, I have this intense fear that pregnancy will never happen for me and I am scared. I know there are other things in life that could fill that emptiness, I want to be able to say "at least we gave it our all".
Minor Update:
I've been doing a LOT of knitting and crocheting! It has really helped to take my mind off of fertility stuff…and it gives me great pride to see someone's happy face when I give them something beautifully hand crafted. That's why I haven't updated much on here. I started a Facebook to sell my stuff and in one week, I have 150 likes! GO ME! I've kind of been biding my time to open up this page. I've wanted to do it for a while, but never felt I was good enough or that people would like my stuff. But a few weeks ago (before I set up the page) I posted a picture of a doll outfit that I had made and one of my friends immediately commented and said "I need two of these!" So that gave me confidence to set up my site. Check it out and give me a like! https://www.facebook.com/yarncraftsbycait
Update #1: Physical Therapy Progress
I had another monthly check with my clinic PT the other day. I've been working with him monthly on strength and conditioning exercises. Usually he will give me new exercises to work into my routine at the gym. This week, we did a whole reevaluation…and I am thrilled to say I have made some great progress! My six minute walk test improved by 12%, I was able to increase my bicep and tricep weight tolerance by 5 pounds and I had amazingly improved on planks and pushups! Wahooo!!
I tried to tell him that I could tell it was all working because my legs felt "less flabby". And in truth, I have felt that my body shape has improved as well, not as much jiggling in my belly. When I was at the gym later in the week, I watched myself in the mirror and could see the difference when I did whatever exercise it was that I was working on. So instead of adding new exercises this week, he just increased the intensity of what I have been doing…so if I was planking for 30 seconds before, I now have to do 45 seconds. Or if I was doing 6 push ups before, I have to do 10 now. And for exercises with weights, I have to do 12.5 pounds instead of 10.
I am extremely excited for these results. It's great motivation for me to keep going. I want to see progress and change. To think that I've been meeting with the PT for 10 weeks now…I was on vacation for one whole week, had a few bouts of bowel blockages in which I was not able to work out…and to see progress despite all of that, I am pretty amazed! What will the next month bring, if I can go to the gym more frequently and I don't get sick? *insert happy face*
Update #2: Fertility Treatments
It took us quite a while…but we finally have our new insurance! And of course I called to see what they cover for fertility right away. The general copay is quite steep (in my opinion, and compared to before)…BUT our deductible is very low. So…if we meet our deductible (with fertility visits OR any other medical costs)…then there would be no additional cost for treatments. Since we just started with the insurance it isn't likely we will have met our deductible any time soon…and of course that deductible would start over again on January 1.
So I called the fertility clinic yesterday to start thinking about getting back there. They gave me a list of dates that our doctor is in the office and as soon as husband and I can agree on a date, I will call them back. Since we've already done two tries with IUI, my inkling is that he (the doctor) will want to proceed right to IVF. I am ok with that, but I am not sure husband is ready for that. The one problem with the new insurance is that we have a lifetime limit of five cycles of fertility treatments. So naturally, I don't want to waste any of those on IUI if it might not work. I might agree to one more round of that, but I don't want to keep that up. I just don't know. I have said previously, I have this intense fear that pregnancy will never happen for me and I am scared. I know there are other things in life that could fill that emptiness, I want to be able to say "at least we gave it our all".
Minor Update:
I've been doing a LOT of knitting and crocheting! It has really helped to take my mind off of fertility stuff…and it gives me great pride to see someone's happy face when I give them something beautifully hand crafted. That's why I haven't updated much on here. I started a Facebook to sell my stuff and in one week, I have 150 likes! GO ME! I've kind of been biding my time to open up this page. I've wanted to do it for a while, but never felt I was good enough or that people would like my stuff. But a few weeks ago (before I set up the page) I posted a picture of a doll outfit that I had made and one of my friends immediately commented and said "I need two of these!" So that gave me confidence to set up my site. Check it out and give me a like! https://www.facebook.com/yarncraftsbycait
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)