A few weeks ago, I got a text from a friend. We haven't seen each other often since she had kids and when I try to make plans, there is always some random excuse (I swear she wrote the book on making up excuses). Well this "friend", we'll call her X works with a woman who has a child with CF. I guess she's not a child, she's an adult now. And it just so happens, I know this family personally, we grew up in the same town and I almost went to the same school as the girl. Well anyway, the texting conversation started off harmlessly, and then suddenly X brings up this family. She did it in a very round about way, almost like the only reason she texted me was to talk about this family. We were talking about one thing, then she sends me a picture of this CF mom's tattoo and starts in on how the daughter with CF gave birth to a little girl a few weeks ago. The text went like this "I will tell you this because I want to give you good news, but I hope it doesn't hurt. Her daughter made it through pregnancy and had a healthy baby girl yesterday. S said for someone who was told her daughter wouldn't live past her teens, wouldn't get pregnant, wouldn't carry to term, just had a girl and I cried for you because because I miss you and because of all you go through and how strong you are and how much my heart hurts for you."
When I first got the text, the only part I saw was her daughter made it through pregnancy. At first, my heart broke because I thought maybe she got sick after the birth. Any number of things could have happened. I realized quickly that was not the case. But at the same time, all I could think about was that first part. About the birth. I cried for myself, and for my family…who is missing out on the love of having children. In my heart, I wanted to be happy but I was so envious I couldn't think about that. Little did X know how much this news really did hurt. I think it physically hurt my heart because it wasn't my turn. Each day gets easier, but each day gets harder.
Now as I am typing this post out, I realized what X said in the second part of that message (the non-italiscized part). I think I was so blind to the fact about the baby being born that I literally didn't even see what else was in that message. Here I am, angry, sad, and upset that yet again it wasn't my turn…I didn't even see the love in that message. Honestly, as I went back to read it today, that part wasn't even in my memory at all. I am glad I went back to read the message, I just wish it hadn't taken me several weeks. I am grateful for loving friends and I hope that one day we will be able to spend more time together without making excuses.