Why I started blogging

Let me preface this by saying, right now I am in a good place mentally.  Prior to this story I am about to tell, I was also in a good place.  That's the thing about trying to conceive, no one tells you how difficult and how emotionally draining it can be.  In one respect, you can see each new month as a new chance, a clean slate.  On the other side, your heart is breaking because yet another month has gone by and it is another lost chance.  One day you are perfectly happy and blissful in your life, the next you are depressed and feeling like you're missing out on something incredibly amazing.  

A few weeks ago, I got a text from a friend.  We haven't seen each other often since she had kids and when I try to make plans, there is always some random excuse (I swear she wrote the book on making up excuses).  Well this "friend", we'll call her X works with a woman who has a child with CF.  I guess she's not a child, she's an adult now.  And it just so happens, I know this family personally, we grew up in the same town and I almost went to the same school as the girl.  Well anyway, the texting conversation started off harmlessly, and then suddenly X brings up this family.  She did it in a very round about way, almost like the only reason she texted me was to talk about this family.  We were talking about one thing, then she sends me a picture of this CF mom's tattoo and starts in on how the daughter with CF gave birth to a little girl a few weeks ago.   The text went like this "I will tell you this because I want to give you good news, but I hope it doesn't hurt.  Her daughter made it through pregnancy and had a healthy baby girl yesterday.  S said for someone who was told her daughter wouldn't live past her teens, wouldn't get pregnant, wouldn't carry to term, just had a girl and I cried for you because because I miss you and because of all you go through and how strong you are and how much my heart hurts for you."

When I first got the text, the only part I saw was her daughter made it through pregnancy.  At first, my heart broke because I thought maybe she got sick after the birth.  Any number of things could have happened.  I realized quickly that was not the case.  But at the same time, all I could think about was that first part.  About the birth.  I cried for myself, and for my family…who is missing out on the love of having children.  In my heart, I wanted to be happy but I was so envious I couldn't think about that.  Little did X know how much this news really did hurt.  I think it physically hurt my heart because it wasn't my turn.  Each day gets easier, but each day gets harder.  

Now as I am typing this post out, I realized what X said in the second part of that message (the non-italiscized part).  I think I was so blind to the fact about the baby being born that I literally didn't even see what else was in that message.  Here I am, angry, sad, and upset that yet again it wasn't my turn…I didn't even see the love in that message.  Honestly, as I went back to read it today, that part wasn't even in my memory at all.  I am glad I went back to read the message, I just wish it hadn't taken me several weeks.  I am grateful for loving friends and I hope that one day we will be able to spend more time together without making excuses.