September 4

So I guess that's what this will all come down to, September 4 we have our appointment with the fertility specialist…again.  I thought maybe I'd be excited/happy to finally be doing this again, but I really can't describe my feelings.  I have been extremely on edge lately, letting little things bother me more than they should, and just generally feeling very anxious.  I want this to happen, I want to be pregnant.  I want to be a mom, I want to create a family with my husband.  But I have this intense fear that it won't work.  That it'll never happen.  According to our insurance, we have five chances.  What happens after that? What if those five chances don't work? What if one of them does work?

I think my anxiety about this process has been compounded by non-understanding friends and family.  There are only a few people (besides all of my CF sisters) that know of our struggles to conceive.  One of them is a good friend from college whose sister also went through infertility.  I have often felt that only opening up to people who've been in my shoes will help me, so I opened up to this friend.  They should understand, and they will comfort me and guide me because they know what its like.  But anyway…this friend from college has a 2 year old and she emailed our group of friends to set up a "play date" for the kids (2 of the 5 girls have kids).  Before you judge me, please know how difficult that type of thing is for someone trying to conceive.  I adore children, I love their snuggles and their laughter…but in my current state of mind, I really am not finding as much enjoyment in that.  Why am I being invited to your child's playdate?  Do I have to go?  Will I be "disowned" from our group if I refuse or cancel at the last minute?  A lot of this trying to conceive is putting on a happy face and moving on…getting up and going about your day as if nothing is out of the ordinary.  Right now, I don't want to do that.  I don't want to put on my happy face.

It is such a personal struggle, feeling like you're doing something wrong.  IF you talked about this, it becomes very personal.  Or for those who've never had these struggles, it becomes a very awkward subject.  They don't see why you are so upset…or why you can't just "relax" and "let it happen".  The problem is infertility is a very real medical struggle.  There are reasons why this isn't happening and sometimes it takes a lot of medical tests and procedures to make it right.  Relaxing won't work for those problems.  This is something that so many people are able to achieve freely and easily and for those of us who can't…it feels as if we are broken.

And then there's Facebook.  Again, I adore seeing pictures of your kids and the funny stories make me laugh…its the "my life is so much better with kids" posts that irritate me.  I hate the way this is coming out, but I can't verbalize the emotions.  I would do anything to be in your position.  I would love to be a mom posting pictures and anecdotes of my little one(s).  But right now, I don't want to be anywhere near those posts.  Again it goes back to the "i'm going to put on my happy face" attitude.  If I take a break from Facebook or stop posting/commenting…people will worry.  My family will wonder whats going on…and I can't bear the thought of having to tell them I can't/haven't been able to conceive.