I'm not always looking for signs from above, but I do firmly believe that they happen when we most need them. I have friends and relatives who have been taken from this earth far too soon and I like to think they are looking out for me, letting me know that they care and they haven't forgotten about little old me. Several weeks ago, I was at the gym doing my workout and I found a few pennies on the ground. Later that day, I found another (can't remember where). I definitely feel that those pennies were there for a reason. Someone was watching out for me, telling me that the next week would be difficult. Little did I know, how difficult.
The day after finding the pennies, I had a lovely day with my parents. I got home and was browsing through Facebook and found some posts on a friends wall that made me really worried. Well come to find out, a fellow CFer…someone I have known personally and someone our whole community has looked up to and loved…decided to end her life. At least thats how the news reports appeared. She went missing and was found in her vehicle in a remote location far from her home. Our community was shocked, heartbroken and hurt. I cried. A lot. I reached out to others who knew her and we all couldn't believe what had transpired. It will take a long time to believe she is really gone. Especially because we didn't see her everyday.
I am not angry with her, but I am in full disbelief that someone would feel so lonely that, that is the only way out. I know that some people do feel this way and I wish there was more we could do to help them. It is painful for the survivors, but i think that we need to be more understanding of mental illness. I hope to never be in that position and I had/have a lot of questions as to the why. And I know I will never know the answers, I am coming to terms with that. She overcame so many odds, CF, lung transplant, kidney transplant, etc…and she left us on her own terms. She didn't let her disease beat her. I can't imagine the pain she was feeling and I hope that she is at peace and in a better place. I think someone, maybe her, was watching out for me that morning. Telling me to stay strong. Even a few days later, I think that she continued to look out for me. I heard many songs on the radio…telling me to be strong and live my life. RIP and Breathe Easy Dottie. We love you. I am a stronger and better person for having known you. Thank you for all you gave to your fellow CFers, you will not be forgotten.
On the same day we found out she was missing, my husband and I got some good/bad/neutral medical news regarding his condition. In my mind, I think it is good news. His doctors and researchers were able to pinpoint a gene that contributes to his disease. We were told to stop trying to conceive naturally, which it hasn't happened anyway so it is unlikely to happen that way…because there is a 50/50 chance he'd pass MD on to a naturally conceived child. We kind of had this feeling anyway. BUT the good news is that when we decide to pursue fertility treatments further…we can use a very specialized method of IVF to weed out any embryos that would have my husbands form of MD. Which would greatly reduce the risk of having a child with MD! Prior to this news, we were just sort of winging it, taking the risk that we may or may not have a child with MD. At least now, the doctors will know what to look for and we can prevent it. As always, I am getting antsy to get on with this, but I need to be patient. The best baby is yet to come for us and we will be forever grateful when it does happen.
The other good thing that came out of the MD diagnosis…I think my husband is feeling a lot more confident in the direction we are going. He was always worried for many reasons and although he may not have said it out loud…I think the possibility of having a child with MD was weighing heavily on his mind. Not to mention the fact that he won't be able to do as much for/with his child(ren) as an able-bodied person. For now, we will move on to the next fertility steps and hope for the best. He is much more ok with IVF now than he was before. He is starting his new job at the end of the month, so hopefully we will have the new insurance right away. Then we can make an appointment at the new clinic. I was hoping to get it in before Christmas, but I am kind of thinking of putting it off until January. I think work and life will slow down then and maybe we'd have a better chance at success with less holiday/new job stress.
I had an extremely realistic dream Friday night that I was pregnant (no, I am not right now) and although it left me quite depressed yesterday…I woke up feeling confident today. We will not give up this dream, we will pursue it and do what it takes. There is a reason for everything and even through the heart ache of trying to conceive naturally for the last three years, maybe that is a blessing in disguise. It hasn't happened and there is a reason why. So although the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of good, bad and sad news…we are still here, we are still fighting the good fight. And we will not give up.