Monday, March 28, 2016

Struggling Today

I didn't want for this blog (the whole thing, not just this post) to be all sad stuff, but to be honest, thats what its been.  I don't want people who read this to be judging that I am a sad and miserable person.  Because generally, I'm not.  I try to be positive even when I'm feeling down.  My life with Cystic Fibrosis has taught me that…life may shoot you down, but you gotta get back up and make good moments and memories.  But this struggle to conceive has been extremely difficult, more so than any physical pain I've endured over my lifetime.  Every time someone I know announces a pregnancy or has a baby, I am so conflicted with emotions I can't even begin to describe them.  Inside, I am reeling with heart ache and crying my eyes out.  On the outside, I smile and say what everyone else would say "I'm happy for you, congratulations." etc.

I want so bad to be happy for them, but I am torn with feelings of sadness for me. Why do I struggle?  Why does it appear to be easy for you?  I know in my heart that I shouldn't feel this way, that I should just smile and be glad for new life…but today I am sad.

The process is going to take us a lot longer than we thought to even get close to IVF.  We have to get all our fertility tests redone, then write to insurance and pray they cover most of the cost.  This is where we hope the tests prove we are infertile.  According to our insurance, we should be covered for both the IVF and the pre-implantation genetic diagnosis testing…but of course, I can't help but think they'll try to deny us.  I have a copy of the PGD policy, but I am still planning on calling Blue Cross to double check the coverage.

I find comfort in the fact that we are heading in the right direction, that we are getting these procedures ready to go…but I am very impatient.  We will have the tests done in the next few weeks and go back to meet with the fertility specialist in the middle of May.  At that point, we will discuss all of our results and go ahead to get insurance approval.  Once insurance has been approved the genetics company will create a probe to test for that single mutation we need eliminated.  That can take up to four months.

The whole idea of this process just…sucks.  I hate that we need it, I just want my family, my baby.  We've waited for so long and tried everything under the sun.  Why does my body continuously seem to fail me?  There are so many other parts of my body that don't work right…why this too?  Haven't my husband and I been through enough with our struggles?  With our illnesses?

But yet, we keep moving…we work full time, we own a home, we love each other, we have great supportive families.  That seems like we should be good candidates to be parents.  Why can't this one thing come easy for us?  Although I would never wish this struggle on anyone…sometimes I wish I could share my pain with more than just my infertile friends.  Sometimes I wish that others knew how hard this struggle actually is.  I believe that this will make us stronger and we will be better for having been through all this shit…that we will appreciate life and a child because it wasn't just handed to us.  As always in our lives…my husband and I know struggles, we will move on and we will make the best of what is given to us.  We will enjoy those small and special moments when we get blessed with them.

1 comment:

  1. My life is beautiful thanks to you, Mein Helfer. Lord Jesus in my life as a candle light in the darkness. You showed me the meaning of faith with your words. I know that even when I cried all day thinking about how to recover, you were not sleeping, you were dear to me. I contacted the herbal center Dr Itua, who lived in West Africa. A friend of mine here in Hamburg is also from Africa. She told me about African herbs but I was nervous. I am very afraid when it comes to Africa because I heard many terrible things about them because of my Christianity. god for direction, take a bold step and get in touch with him in the email and then move to WhatsApp, he asked me if I can come for treatment or I want a delivery, I told him I wanted to know him I buy ticket in 2 ways to Africa To meet Dr. Itua, I went there and I was speechless from the people I saw there. Patent, sick people. Itua is a god sent to the world, I told my pastor about what I am doing, Pastor Bill Scheer. We have a real battle beautifully with Spirit and Flesh. Adoration that same night. He prayed for me and asked me to lead. I spent 2 weeks and 2 days in Africa at Dr Itua Herbal Home. After the treatment, he asked me to meet his nurse for the HIV test when I did it. It was negative, I asked my friend to take me to another nearby hospital when I arrived, it was negative. I was overwhite with the result, but happy inside of me. We went with Dr. Itua, I thank him but I explain that I do not have enough to show him my appreciation, that he understands my situation, but I promise that he will testify about his good work. Thank God for my dear friend, Emma, I know I could be reading this now, I want to thank you. And many thanks to Dr. Itua Herbal Center. He gave me his calendar that I put on my wall in my house. Dr. Itua can also cure the following diseases ... Cancer, HIV, Herpes, Hepatitis B, Inflammatory Liver, Diabetis, Bladder Cancer,Colorectal Cancer,Breast Cancer,Kidney Cancer,Leukemia,Lun,Fribroid,Parkinson's disease,Inflammatory bowel disease ,Fibromyalgia, recover your ex. You can contact him by email or whatsapp, @ .. drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com, phone number .. + 2348149277967 .. He is a good doctor, talk to him kindly. I'm sure he will also listen to you.

    ReplyDelete