It's been a long time coming, and I am strangely at peace with where we are right now. Actually, thats a lie...this whole business SUCKS. Every new pregnancy announcement is very close to setting off a whole fireworks of emotion from me. It makes me incredibly angry that some people have it so damn easy. Tomorrow is just one example of our long fertility journey. It will hopefully be the last of the days of fertility testing before we learn what our treatment plan will be. Two of the things our fertility specialist wanted was for us to do was meet with a genetic counselor and for me to meet with a high risk OB. Then last month when I had my period I was in extreme pain, taking motrin every 4-6 hours around the clock and still miserable in between. It was found that I have a very large cyst on my left ovary. So I have a check up on that tomorrow too, another ultrasound and an MRI. We will literally be at the hospital from 10 am to probably 4 pm.
The genetic counselor will probably just go over our (you guessed it...) genetics. Since we have sent them all the paperwork with my husbands info, I am hopeful they won't send us for more testing, which could delay our treatments even more. That reminds, I should probably bring a copy of all of the genetic info from him as well as the CF stuff. Hopefully we still have his Ambry results somewhere. Ugh, I can't find it now and I have NO idea where it would be. Or even who to call to get copies. We had that done at a different hospital about 3 years ago. Ambry is a company that tests for CF. They were able to look at my husbands blood tests and tell us that they are fairly certain he is not a carrier of the 1,000 possible mutations. But my guess is they want to talk more about his genetics, which we do have a copy of. Phew. That's the reason we are getting the PGD, not for the CF.
Then I have a pre-conception visit with the high risk OB. Almost all CF patients have to be seen by a high risk doctor because of potential complications that could arise during the pregnancy or delivery. I don't think this appointment will tell me much. I've met with her before, but the fertility specialist requested me to do it again. And since I'll be there anyway, I may as well get it over with. She'll probably just go over my medication list and give me some advice as to what I can be on while pregnant. I know for a fact that they will be more pro-active if I get sick while pregnant. If my Oxygen sats go to low it can damage the baby...and since many oral antibiotics are a no-no while pregnant, they tend to treat aggressively with IV meds. I am ok with that as long as it will be safe for the baby. So I am not anticipating much drama at this visit. Just a chat with the doctor.
Then in the early afternoon, I have a pelvic ultrasound and an MRI to check my cyst. I am really dreading my period this month...its due any day now. I was literally in pain for 2 weeks last time, I feel like I just finished being miserable and now its going to start all over again. The fertility specialist had found a large cyst on my left ovary during some testing on my cycle day 3 last month. The cyst pretty much means that ovary is non-usable. The only way to get rid of the cyst would be to surgically remove it and chances are it would come right back if its endometriosis. And she doesn't want to unnecessarily put me at risk by having to put me under anesthesia at this time. For right now though, I am going to go back on birth control for at least three months until right before we start IVF. That may help some of my pain and might help the cyst to shrink a little. It won't go away completely, but since my right ovary is fine we can just use that for IVF. And once we (hopefully) get our baby, we can re-assess the left ovary. The ultrasound tomorrow will check the size of the cyst again and the MRI will help to determine what type of cyst.
The good news was that my right ovary is fine! We should be able to use that side for the IVF and if we are lucky we will have a few eggs to freeze. As I keep saying, I am just eager to get this whole thing started. Especially now since I may have limited fertility. The doctor did say to do IVF as soon as possible since the one ovary sucks. And after tomorrow, we go back in two weeks on May 17 to meet with the fertility specialist and decide on an action plan. After that we'll have to get insurance approval and then move forward with the genetic testing. The company will have to create this device before we do anything, so I am really crossing my fingers that insurance will approve FAST so they can get moving on that. AFTER that we can start treatments for the egg retrieval. It's a huge hurry up and wait game. Wish me luck that I have patience to deal with all of this.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Monday, March 28, 2016
Struggling Today
I didn't want for this blog (the whole thing, not just this post) to be all sad stuff, but to be honest, thats what its been. I don't want people who read this to be judging that I am a sad and miserable person. Because generally, I'm not. I try to be positive even when I'm feeling down. My life with Cystic Fibrosis has taught me that…life may shoot you down, but you gotta get back up and make good moments and memories. But this struggle to conceive has been extremely difficult, more so than any physical pain I've endured over my lifetime. Every time someone I know announces a pregnancy or has a baby, I am so conflicted with emotions I can't even begin to describe them. Inside, I am reeling with heart ache and crying my eyes out. On the outside, I smile and say what everyone else would say "I'm happy for you, congratulations." etc.
I want so bad to be happy for them, but I am torn with feelings of sadness for me. Why do I struggle? Why does it appear to be easy for you? I know in my heart that I shouldn't feel this way, that I should just smile and be glad for new life…but today I am sad.
The process is going to take us a lot longer than we thought to even get close to IVF. We have to get all our fertility tests redone, then write to insurance and pray they cover most of the cost. This is where we hope the tests prove we are infertile. According to our insurance, we should be covered for both the IVF and the pre-implantation genetic diagnosis testing…but of course, I can't help but think they'll try to deny us. I have a copy of the PGD policy, but I am still planning on calling Blue Cross to double check the coverage.
I find comfort in the fact that we are heading in the right direction, that we are getting these procedures ready to go…but I am very impatient. We will have the tests done in the next few weeks and go back to meet with the fertility specialist in the middle of May. At that point, we will discuss all of our results and go ahead to get insurance approval. Once insurance has been approved the genetics company will create a probe to test for that single mutation we need eliminated. That can take up to four months.
The whole idea of this process just…sucks. I hate that we need it, I just want my family, my baby. We've waited for so long and tried everything under the sun. Why does my body continuously seem to fail me? There are so many other parts of my body that don't work right…why this too? Haven't my husband and I been through enough with our struggles? With our illnesses?
But yet, we keep moving…we work full time, we own a home, we love each other, we have great supportive families. That seems like we should be good candidates to be parents. Why can't this one thing come easy for us? Although I would never wish this struggle on anyone…sometimes I wish I could share my pain with more than just my infertile friends. Sometimes I wish that others knew how hard this struggle actually is. I believe that this will make us stronger and we will be better for having been through all this shit…that we will appreciate life and a child because it wasn't just handed to us. As always in our lives…my husband and I know struggles, we will move on and we will make the best of what is given to us. We will enjoy those small and special moments when we get blessed with them.
I want so bad to be happy for them, but I am torn with feelings of sadness for me. Why do I struggle? Why does it appear to be easy for you? I know in my heart that I shouldn't feel this way, that I should just smile and be glad for new life…but today I am sad.
The process is going to take us a lot longer than we thought to even get close to IVF. We have to get all our fertility tests redone, then write to insurance and pray they cover most of the cost. This is where we hope the tests prove we are infertile. According to our insurance, we should be covered for both the IVF and the pre-implantation genetic diagnosis testing…but of course, I can't help but think they'll try to deny us. I have a copy of the PGD policy, but I am still planning on calling Blue Cross to double check the coverage.
I find comfort in the fact that we are heading in the right direction, that we are getting these procedures ready to go…but I am very impatient. We will have the tests done in the next few weeks and go back to meet with the fertility specialist in the middle of May. At that point, we will discuss all of our results and go ahead to get insurance approval. Once insurance has been approved the genetics company will create a probe to test for that single mutation we need eliminated. That can take up to four months.
The whole idea of this process just…sucks. I hate that we need it, I just want my family, my baby. We've waited for so long and tried everything under the sun. Why does my body continuously seem to fail me? There are so many other parts of my body that don't work right…why this too? Haven't my husband and I been through enough with our struggles? With our illnesses?
But yet, we keep moving…we work full time, we own a home, we love each other, we have great supportive families. That seems like we should be good candidates to be parents. Why can't this one thing come easy for us? Although I would never wish this struggle on anyone…sometimes I wish I could share my pain with more than just my infertile friends. Sometimes I wish that others knew how hard this struggle actually is. I believe that this will make us stronger and we will be better for having been through all this shit…that we will appreciate life and a child because it wasn't just handed to us. As always in our lives…my husband and I know struggles, we will move on and we will make the best of what is given to us. We will enjoy those small and special moments when we get blessed with them.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
New Job
So far its going really well. I started Monday in a supervisory role in a new office, same company. Its actually the corporate offices and a call center. My department is relatively small in the scheme of the whole building…but I really like being around others. It gives me more people to kind of befriend than my prior office. My old job had only 9-10 people and if you didn't get along with anyone there weren't really places to escape to. We had a lunch room and that was it. This new office has probably 30-40 people working at a given time. Not to mention the corporate offices are right upstairs. Some people may find that intimidating, but we rarely see them where I am…its a comfort to know they are right there. Of course if you had asked me that back in November when my boss got fired, I may not have agreed. But I know realize what went down and I am on a good career path for me. I did what was right for my happiness and for my family. And I am away from the drama queens of my old office. Yay! Whats meant to be, will be. I really like my company and it has been around forever, so another comfort. So long as I prove myself, I will continue on a good path. Another good thing about being in this office is that we learn a lot more background stuff…the why's and how's of whats being done. I honestly felt kind of left out in my old office. Like we never knew the reasoning behind certain decisions.
I've started training on my new responsibilities and thats going well too. Its not much more at this point, but it has a lot of potential. So if I can handle these jobs/responsibilities then I will be more able to move up quicker. Everyone seems happy to have me there. In my old job, I had spent a lot of time on the phone with some departments that are in my new building and since I've made the move…its like I already have friends! I have people to sit with at lunch and its not awkward like if it was a whole new company. And because of my performance level at my old position, the HR and area manager seem very happy to have me!
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Not the way we planned
I don't want to say what happened yesterday hasn't made me upset, but on the whole, everything happens for a reason…I truly believe that statement.
We were all geared up for our fertility appointment and miraculously we only left about 10-15 minutes later than we planned. In all honesty…that 15 minutes, may be the reason we are still alive. We had thought Friday traffic before a holiday and school vacation wouldn't be so bad and we made relatively good time to a certain point…then we were stopped. Barely moving 5 miles an hour. As I got angrier, traffic still didn't move. I was upset with my husband for downplaying the Boston traffic scene, I was mad that we had left later than planned.
Come to find out there was a very terrible accident somewhere ahead of us that left one young teacher dead. My heart sank. It was a complete freak accident. I feel like I have said this many times before, but if only I had left on time…things could have been very different. I called the clinic several times to update them on our status and finally when we were a half hour late and still not at the exit, they decided to reschedule us. Unfortunately, we can't be seen for another 6 weeks! I am disappointed, but my thoughts are still with that young teachers family and friends. The clinic will put us on a cancellation list, but because its a second opinion we have to have an early as possible appointment…so its unlikely we'd be able to make it last minute.
I'm going to take this time to work through my emotions and concentrate on the life I've been given. I start my new position (same company) on Monday as well as celebrate turning 32. I have learned in my life to never take one day for granted and I will celebrate all the days I've been given. Life's too short and you never know when your time will be up. My days are precious. And I think this delay will give me time to concentrate on my new position within my company. I am nervous about change, but I am eager for the opportunity.
I heard this country song the other day and sobbed through the entire thing. It's incredibly powerful. Please take the 4+ minutes to watch and really listen to the words. I listen to music often and I feel a huge connection to theses words. I most certainly try to live by them daily. ((And Tim McGraw is pretty good eye candy)) *winkwink*
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Emotions of Infertility
It's definitely coming down to the wire here. It's been 3.5 years off birth control, 3.5 years of trying to conceive naturally and with treatments. 3.5 years of trying all the remedies and all the old wives tales. 3.5 years of watching friends and family become parents (some more than once). 3.5 years of emotional stress of trying to create a family of our own. 3.5 years of infertility.
Our second opinion appointment is in just about a week and a half and my emotions are more mixed than ever. Yes, we've been there before. We've tried some of the treatments, we've had all the tests…but this is pretty much a last resort. This will be the "big guns" as they say. In-Vitro Fertilization. It is the most invasive of the fertility treatments, which is why it is usually the last thing doctors try. There are many drugs involved. Some are shots, some are creams, some are suppositories to keep you from miscarrying. In addition, throughout the whole process there are endless tests, ultrasounds and blood work.
I am having so many mixed emotions, I don't even know where to begin.
Sadness: I am sad that it has come to this. The one thing that woman are "bred" to do naturally, and I can't even do that. I feel like my body is broken…I have so many other health issues…why does infertility have to be one? Why can't this one thing be easy for me, like it is for so many others? I am hoping that eventually this sadness will give way to better emotions. It's just a part of life. Certainly there are other people out there who have this very issue and this emotion.
Jealousy: This ones tough to explain. I dread sounding ungrateful. I definitely have a lot of things going for me and I am so grateful for my current health…but I am painfully jealous of woman who can get pregnant easily. Those who have "honeymoon" babies. Yes, your babies are loved and I am glad of that…but what about people who take their children for granted. Those are the ones that make it so much harder to explain the jealousy. Those who have children taken away from them, but then they keep on pro-creating. Or those who hurt their children physically and emotionally... Thats where it gets really freaking unfair. Thats what really sucks about infertility.
Anger: This goes along with the last part of jealousy. I think if you read that portion, you will understand why I am angry about this process.
Excitement: I am so eagerly anticipating this appointment. I want to get this process started, I want to meet our new doctor and I want to move forward. We live in a great time and place for this wonderful medical treatment. Our insurance will cover most (if not all…thank you Massachusetts!) of our treatment. If we lived in any other time or place, we probably wouldn't be seeking treatment. I want to hear what our doctor has to say, she's supposed to be the best in the clinic! And I want to see success. If I keep these hopes up, maybe it will up our chances.
Happiness: That my husband and I are in this together. That we have chosen each other and that we are ready to embark on this journey. It won't be easy and it won't always be fun, but we have each other. We'll get through this together, no matter what happens. I'm happy for online support groups. Infertility is such a personal and private struggle, my Cysters and (non-CF) friends that have been through infertility are a great treasure. Although our journeys may not be exactly the same, it helps to know we are not alone in the struggle. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but I am glad to have others who've been there.
I am sure as things move forward there will be many more emotions. I want it to happen quickly, but I know I need to practice patience. Our baby will come when we are ready and when the time is perfect for us.
Our second opinion appointment is in just about a week and a half and my emotions are more mixed than ever. Yes, we've been there before. We've tried some of the treatments, we've had all the tests…but this is pretty much a last resort. This will be the "big guns" as they say. In-Vitro Fertilization. It is the most invasive of the fertility treatments, which is why it is usually the last thing doctors try. There are many drugs involved. Some are shots, some are creams, some are suppositories to keep you from miscarrying. In addition, throughout the whole process there are endless tests, ultrasounds and blood work.
I am having so many mixed emotions, I don't even know where to begin.
Sadness: I am sad that it has come to this. The one thing that woman are "bred" to do naturally, and I can't even do that. I feel like my body is broken…I have so many other health issues…why does infertility have to be one? Why can't this one thing be easy for me, like it is for so many others? I am hoping that eventually this sadness will give way to better emotions. It's just a part of life. Certainly there are other people out there who have this very issue and this emotion.
Jealousy: This ones tough to explain. I dread sounding ungrateful. I definitely have a lot of things going for me and I am so grateful for my current health…but I am painfully jealous of woman who can get pregnant easily. Those who have "honeymoon" babies. Yes, your babies are loved and I am glad of that…but what about people who take their children for granted. Those are the ones that make it so much harder to explain the jealousy. Those who have children taken away from them, but then they keep on pro-creating. Or those who hurt their children physically and emotionally... Thats where it gets really freaking unfair. Thats what really sucks about infertility.
Anger: This goes along with the last part of jealousy. I think if you read that portion, you will understand why I am angry about this process.
Excitement: I am so eagerly anticipating this appointment. I want to get this process started, I want to meet our new doctor and I want to move forward. We live in a great time and place for this wonderful medical treatment. Our insurance will cover most (if not all…thank you Massachusetts!) of our treatment. If we lived in any other time or place, we probably wouldn't be seeking treatment. I want to hear what our doctor has to say, she's supposed to be the best in the clinic! And I want to see success. If I keep these hopes up, maybe it will up our chances.
Happiness: That my husband and I are in this together. That we have chosen each other and that we are ready to embark on this journey. It won't be easy and it won't always be fun, but we have each other. We'll get through this together, no matter what happens. I'm happy for online support groups. Infertility is such a personal and private struggle, my Cysters and (non-CF) friends that have been through infertility are a great treasure. Although our journeys may not be exactly the same, it helps to know we are not alone in the struggle. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but I am glad to have others who've been there.
I am sure as things move forward there will be many more emotions. I want it to happen quickly, but I know I need to practice patience. Our baby will come when we are ready and when the time is perfect for us.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Faith
Things have finally settled down since the holidays and the craziness that was work in November. :( My colleagues and I have come to terms with the way things went down back then and we have moved on. The office is more peaceful and we are learning to get along with each other (without our boss). I have found faith in my company again and am eager to see where the future leads me within the organization.
This week has been a bit odd. They announced there is a position available in another office, which I have already applied for and I have an interview Tuesday. Their manager is very aware of my promising job performance. But on the other hand, because of mediocre job performance, some of my colleagues are not able to apply for the new position, so a little tension there…although they don't know that I have applied. I think it will do me well to get away from some of the drama from my current office. Because even if I say it right now, I know its probably only a matter of time until my colleagues throw fits again. They believed I (and one other) were getting special treatment…but we had the numbers and we performed our jobs exceedingly well, while some of them did not perform as well. Work ethic goes a long way, people, trust me. I have been very successful and I am super proud of my accomplishments. I went to school for teaching and am now working in customer service/travel, so my prior experiences don't necessarily match up with where I am, but my successes prove that I am motivated to learn and better myself. For example…I met my reservations (car and hotel) goal by August of last year, had doubled my goal by the end of the year AND I led the office in customer satisfaction scores…and oh, I even made my monthly goals in November when I was out on medical leave for two weeks. I attribute my successes to being content with where life has taken me. Although it wasn't where I thought I would be…I couldn't be happier. And I know that if my life had taken me elsewhere, I may not have been as healthy and happy. So I am thankful for that.
I have recovered from my exacerbation in November as well…so my mood and enthusiasm has been better. Although this week, I have been waking up with sore throats and sinus-y issues. I am hoping thats just because we are using the heat more. Its been a crazy winter so far! It was nearly 60 degrees on Christmas…and it has barely snowed. Shhhh. Hopefully it stays that way. I'm still recovering from last winter. ;) We finally settled on a plow guy. That was fiasco…Our old one called in November to check and see whether we still wanted him. I kinda said "well I was really hoping to find someone who can help me shovel, not just plow." We had SO much snow last year that it would have taken me days to shovel out a path to get to our cars. It was ridiculous. This man was an older man and didn't shovel, which I totally understand. He got kind of defensive when I told him we needed more, like he was offended or something. Whatever, we didn't have an attachment to him whatsoever, so it was easy to cut ties. I called several landscape companies in the area…and NO ONE returned my calls. That was also ridiculous. I mean, don't you want the business?? So finally I was talking to the girls at work and one of them (we have rarely seen eye to eye) gave me the name of a guy she knows. I was so grateful, but at the same time afraid to call him. I didn't want to feel like I owed her anything if I hired him. So I sucked it up and called him…he was wonderful. He's a young guy in the construction business, he was happy to help and he loves to do this for people. He actually plows out disabled Vets in the area for free! How sweet is that?! He's expensive, but I think it will be worth it if we get any snow. I am grateful to have that off my back.
Been knitting a crocheting a lot lately. I did a bunch of orders for friends and family over Christmas. I'll devote whole post to that soon. I'd love to start marketing my stuff and really selling it. I have a Facebook page, but its mostly just family that follows me. Maybe if I put it out here on my blog more people will want to follow and see what I have to offer. I'm always adding new items and trying different things. I love that it can relax me and help me unwind after a long day. I love being able to show off my creativity. :)
This week has been a bit odd. They announced there is a position available in another office, which I have already applied for and I have an interview Tuesday. Their manager is very aware of my promising job performance. But on the other hand, because of mediocre job performance, some of my colleagues are not able to apply for the new position, so a little tension there…although they don't know that I have applied. I think it will do me well to get away from some of the drama from my current office. Because even if I say it right now, I know its probably only a matter of time until my colleagues throw fits again. They believed I (and one other) were getting special treatment…but we had the numbers and we performed our jobs exceedingly well, while some of them did not perform as well. Work ethic goes a long way, people, trust me. I have been very successful and I am super proud of my accomplishments. I went to school for teaching and am now working in customer service/travel, so my prior experiences don't necessarily match up with where I am, but my successes prove that I am motivated to learn and better myself. For example…I met my reservations (car and hotel) goal by August of last year, had doubled my goal by the end of the year AND I led the office in customer satisfaction scores…and oh, I even made my monthly goals in November when I was out on medical leave for two weeks. I attribute my successes to being content with where life has taken me. Although it wasn't where I thought I would be…I couldn't be happier. And I know that if my life had taken me elsewhere, I may not have been as healthy and happy. So I am thankful for that.
I have recovered from my exacerbation in November as well…so my mood and enthusiasm has been better. Although this week, I have been waking up with sore throats and sinus-y issues. I am hoping thats just because we are using the heat more. Its been a crazy winter so far! It was nearly 60 degrees on Christmas…and it has barely snowed. Shhhh. Hopefully it stays that way. I'm still recovering from last winter. ;) We finally settled on a plow guy. That was fiasco…Our old one called in November to check and see whether we still wanted him. I kinda said "well I was really hoping to find someone who can help me shovel, not just plow." We had SO much snow last year that it would have taken me days to shovel out a path to get to our cars. It was ridiculous. This man was an older man and didn't shovel, which I totally understand. He got kind of defensive when I told him we needed more, like he was offended or something. Whatever, we didn't have an attachment to him whatsoever, so it was easy to cut ties. I called several landscape companies in the area…and NO ONE returned my calls. That was also ridiculous. I mean, don't you want the business?? So finally I was talking to the girls at work and one of them (we have rarely seen eye to eye) gave me the name of a guy she knows. I was so grateful, but at the same time afraid to call him. I didn't want to feel like I owed her anything if I hired him. So I sucked it up and called him…he was wonderful. He's a young guy in the construction business, he was happy to help and he loves to do this for people. He actually plows out disabled Vets in the area for free! How sweet is that?! He's expensive, but I think it will be worth it if we get any snow. I am grateful to have that off my back.
Been knitting a crocheting a lot lately. I did a bunch of orders for friends and family over Christmas. I'll devote whole post to that soon. I'd love to start marketing my stuff and really selling it. I have a Facebook page, but its mostly just family that follows me. Maybe if I put it out here on my blog more people will want to follow and see what I have to offer. I'm always adding new items and trying different things. I love that it can relax me and help me unwind after a long day. I love being able to show off my creativity. :)
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Where to begin?
This last month has been a whirlwind of health issues, emotional trials and so much more.
Growing up, everyone knew I had CF…friends, family, neighbors and teachers, even my bosses. You would think that means that I would easily be able to talk about CF with anyone these days. When I went to college, I didn't want everyone to know. I didn't want to be judged or coddled. I didn't want people to treat me differently because I had a chronic disease. I wanted to prove that I could keep up with the work load, that I could earn my degree and that I could do ANYTHING everyone else was doing (with little to no intervention). This worked for quite a while. But somewhere things changed. I graduated in May of 2006 with the intention of going back that fall to complete my student teaching. I found out right before the start of the school year, that the school I was to do my student teaching at had a student with CF that would have been close to my assigned classroom. In a very quick few moments, I and my cooperating teacher, and my college supervisor decided to switch schools. If this had not happened in this dramatic way, my life may have been quite different.
Most importantly...my college supervisor would not have known about my CF, she would not have blabbed to the whole faculty, she would not have told prospective employers. This supervisor is the one who made me lose trust in my employers. She was supposed to be a person I could turn to and confide in about my disease. It turns out, that wasn't the case. She told prospective employers that I had a disability, ruining my chances to work in that school. In all honesty…I think by doing this, she made me distrust a lot of my supervisors over the years. She made me even more scared to reveal my disability/disease/condition to anyone.
I am not saying I regret any of what happened, after all…its made me who I am today. And I know everything happens for a reason. Teaching was not the job for me.
You are probably all saying "what does that have to do with today?" Ever since then, I have shied away from talking about my CF, unless you are a close friend or relative. It has made me less trustworthy of authority and at this point, I think it is starting to hinder my job and my ability to move up in my current position.
I have been with my current job for 1.5 years now. At first I loved it, loved the people, love what I do. I am good at what I do, so how can I not be happy? I think deep down, I wanted to trust my newfound coworker (friends), but in the back of my mind I couldn't forget what happened all those years ago with my college supervisor. I found a friend in my new job and I confided in her about my CF…but it still took more than a year and she is only an equal (same position), she is not a supervisor. We have a lot in common and I just felt a connection. And finally it didn't backfire on me! I was shocked. All she did was care and she wanted to help me. She asked questions, she acted motherly when it was needed, but she was a realist at the same time. She didn't baby me, she didn't coddle, but she was there when I needed someone to vent to. And she didn't hoard me with questions, we still concentrated on work and we helped each other.
When I started to get sicker this fall, I knew someone else needed to know. And again, I was afraid. I didn't want my job to be in jeopardy, I didn't want sympathy. So I finally told my boss! It was so freeing to finally have it all out there. I knew in my heart that he would do anything to protect my job and to be the manager I needed as someone with a chronic illness. He had seen my ability in the job and he knew that the CF wasn't going to hold me back. He wanted to help me. I seriously, could not stop smiling after I told him. It was incredibly cathartic. I finally had a supervisor on my side and I knew instinctively that he would be there for me.
Less than a week later, that all changed when he got let go from the company and I was in the beginning stages of a CF exacerbation. I was/am still heartbroken. It is a long story and I don't want to give "press time" to the people who caused this firing. But again, I was in a position I wasn't ready for. I needed to take time off for my health and again didn't have anyone I felt a connection with that I could confide in. Whats a girl to do? I went back to my one friend from the office who was still there and she helped me through. But she wasn't a supervisor, she was/is my equal. She wasn't going to be able to protect me and help me the way our boss would have. I ended up telling someone solely out of need. I was going to be admitted to the hospital and needed time off. I spoke with her about protecting my job and that I wanted to come back to work with a clean slate…able to help the office recover and become great again.
I am currently back to work part time until next week and I am still struggling emotionally with all thats gone on. Work is not as enjoyable as it used to be, we don't joke around and again we don't know who we can trust. I know that I will be the bigger person and put on my happy face, but it is extremely hard. I am a very forgiving person but right now because of what went down with my boss…I don't feel like I can trust everyone. As I said, its a complicated situation, but I do want to be better and I want to be a leader in my office, but not everyone sees me that way. I feel like its an us against them mentality and I don't know how to make the others see that I am good and I am successful. I know it in my heart, so why do they need to question it?
I know this may not all make sense if anyone is reading this, but I just needed to vent. So this is whats been happening. It will get easier, I just have to keep telling myself that. Once I can get a full night sleep (without having to do IV's every few hours), I think I will be better able to tackle silly "work drama". I am grateful to still have a job, to still be able to work, to still get out of bed every day and love my life. And after all…its almost the holiday season, I love the holidays and I can and I will find enjoyment in the little things in my life.
Growing up, everyone knew I had CF…friends, family, neighbors and teachers, even my bosses. You would think that means that I would easily be able to talk about CF with anyone these days. When I went to college, I didn't want everyone to know. I didn't want to be judged or coddled. I didn't want people to treat me differently because I had a chronic disease. I wanted to prove that I could keep up with the work load, that I could earn my degree and that I could do ANYTHING everyone else was doing (with little to no intervention). This worked for quite a while. But somewhere things changed. I graduated in May of 2006 with the intention of going back that fall to complete my student teaching. I found out right before the start of the school year, that the school I was to do my student teaching at had a student with CF that would have been close to my assigned classroom. In a very quick few moments, I and my cooperating teacher, and my college supervisor decided to switch schools. If this had not happened in this dramatic way, my life may have been quite different.
Most importantly...my college supervisor would not have known about my CF, she would not have blabbed to the whole faculty, she would not have told prospective employers. This supervisor is the one who made me lose trust in my employers. She was supposed to be a person I could turn to and confide in about my disease. It turns out, that wasn't the case. She told prospective employers that I had a disability, ruining my chances to work in that school. In all honesty…I think by doing this, she made me distrust a lot of my supervisors over the years. She made me even more scared to reveal my disability/disease/condition to anyone.
I am not saying I regret any of what happened, after all…its made me who I am today. And I know everything happens for a reason. Teaching was not the job for me.
You are probably all saying "what does that have to do with today?" Ever since then, I have shied away from talking about my CF, unless you are a close friend or relative. It has made me less trustworthy of authority and at this point, I think it is starting to hinder my job and my ability to move up in my current position.
I have been with my current job for 1.5 years now. At first I loved it, loved the people, love what I do. I am good at what I do, so how can I not be happy? I think deep down, I wanted to trust my newfound coworker (friends), but in the back of my mind I couldn't forget what happened all those years ago with my college supervisor. I found a friend in my new job and I confided in her about my CF…but it still took more than a year and she is only an equal (same position), she is not a supervisor. We have a lot in common and I just felt a connection. And finally it didn't backfire on me! I was shocked. All she did was care and she wanted to help me. She asked questions, she acted motherly when it was needed, but she was a realist at the same time. She didn't baby me, she didn't coddle, but she was there when I needed someone to vent to. And she didn't hoard me with questions, we still concentrated on work and we helped each other.
When I started to get sicker this fall, I knew someone else needed to know. And again, I was afraid. I didn't want my job to be in jeopardy, I didn't want sympathy. So I finally told my boss! It was so freeing to finally have it all out there. I knew in my heart that he would do anything to protect my job and to be the manager I needed as someone with a chronic illness. He had seen my ability in the job and he knew that the CF wasn't going to hold me back. He wanted to help me. I seriously, could not stop smiling after I told him. It was incredibly cathartic. I finally had a supervisor on my side and I knew instinctively that he would be there for me.
Less than a week later, that all changed when he got let go from the company and I was in the beginning stages of a CF exacerbation. I was/am still heartbroken. It is a long story and I don't want to give "press time" to the people who caused this firing. But again, I was in a position I wasn't ready for. I needed to take time off for my health and again didn't have anyone I felt a connection with that I could confide in. Whats a girl to do? I went back to my one friend from the office who was still there and she helped me through. But she wasn't a supervisor, she was/is my equal. She wasn't going to be able to protect me and help me the way our boss would have. I ended up telling someone solely out of need. I was going to be admitted to the hospital and needed time off. I spoke with her about protecting my job and that I wanted to come back to work with a clean slate…able to help the office recover and become great again.
I am currently back to work part time until next week and I am still struggling emotionally with all thats gone on. Work is not as enjoyable as it used to be, we don't joke around and again we don't know who we can trust. I know that I will be the bigger person and put on my happy face, but it is extremely hard. I am a very forgiving person but right now because of what went down with my boss…I don't feel like I can trust everyone. As I said, its a complicated situation, but I do want to be better and I want to be a leader in my office, but not everyone sees me that way. I feel like its an us against them mentality and I don't know how to make the others see that I am good and I am successful. I know it in my heart, so why do they need to question it?
I know this may not all make sense if anyone is reading this, but I just needed to vent. So this is whats been happening. It will get easier, I just have to keep telling myself that. Once I can get a full night sleep (without having to do IV's every few hours), I think I will be better able to tackle silly "work drama". I am grateful to still have a job, to still be able to work, to still get out of bed every day and love my life. And after all…its almost the holiday season, I love the holidays and I can and I will find enjoyment in the little things in my life.
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