Changing Seasons

I'll preface this by saying, I have a lot to look forward to.  I can't put it all in writing yet, but in due time, you'll hear about it.

But I am caught in this ball of anxiety lately. The thought of being stuck inside all winter consumes me, the thought of another like the one we had two years ago...is utterly intimidating.  Trust me, snow up to our first floor windows and several storms every week for at least a month.  The snow in my front yard was up to my shoulders.  I have said many times, I am not ready for that again...yet I love it when it's happening.  LOL  I am a walking contradiction.  The changing of seasons always makes me anxious.  I can't really describe why and I know I'm not the only one.  It's the whole idea of less sun.  Waking up and taking the dog out when it's still pitch black and then having to get ready for work in the dark, bitter cold house (we refuse to turn our heat on yet because it still gets pretty warm during the day). And I know that staying in bed all day wouldn't make my mood any better, so I get up.  As people always do.  We move on and we persevere and get through another day.

The view from the drivers seat of my car after a major blizzard!

Part of my problem is that I've had this pain in my chest the last few days.  I don't think its anything serious, they did X-rays and those didn't show anything out of place (literally, LOL).  It gets better with Motrin, but I am concerned it won't be better in time for our trip.  I definitely don't want to be in pain walking around Disney for a week.  And I didn't buy the trip insurance, so I am kinda freaking about that, what was I thinking?  In addition I am currently on Tobi and for some reason I am exhausted all the time!  Tobi is a nebulized antibiotic that takes about 20-30 minutes twice a day.  It may not seem like much, but 20 minutes in the morning getting ready for work is huge.  And 20 minutes at the end of the day when you have dishes in the sink and a dog waiting to snuggle with you is a lot of time.  I don't do my treatments in the TV room because they are so loud and my dog won't sit on the couch until I am there with her.  So because of this stuff, I've been slacking around the house and I don't think that is helping my anxiety.  I feel like there are always dishes in the sink now, mail piled on the table, etc.  But I have no time! I had a long weekend this past weekend, and I did get some stuff done, but not all of it.  I need to find my motivation again.

I am also in a drug study, so I have had to trek an hour + into the city for check ups every two weeks on my day off!  And some visits have been VERY long.  I am so done with that.  As much as I love the idea of research and making strides to help other CFer's, I don't think I can do another study while I am still working full time.  Even though I knew the schedule of visits, for some reason I didn't think it would take this much out of me.  I need that day off during the week to get stuff done.

Reading, crocheting and listening to music are all favorite coping mechanisms for my anxiety.  As much as I love the "trashy beach novels", they are way too easy to read.  I can finish them in a day or two...and I get so consumed, that reading is all I want to do!  LOL I mean, yea, there's definitely worse things I could be obsessed with.  But I want something a little more complex, that takes thought and time.  Maybe I'll try Game of Thrones again.  I got through about half of the first and had to return it to the library.  I have TONS of crochet projects to get working on! LOTs of babies coming in the next several months that need handmade gifts.  I am trying to think of what I want to make for each of them and that thought is a daunting task as well.  I like each item to be different, so its more of a challenge to me (to get the pattern down) but its also nice for the baby-to-be to have a unique gift.  So that's kind of consuming my mind. At least two of the mommies won't be finding out gender, so I have to find neutral patterns and colors.  One is on the fence about finding out (she actually has an envelope in her house with it written and she hasn't looked at it yet!)...and I have a feeling she'll end up looking in the envelope...so I don't want to start anything for her yet.  And the fourth is definitely having a boy, but I am not as close to her...she's more the daughter of my moms friend, but someone I grew up playing with in the neighborhood.  So I don't see her anymore, but I'd like to make something special for baby.  And I hate silence, so music helps me think.  I love listening to the words and trying to make sense or find a time in my life that relates.  :)

Not the best quality pic, but one of the neutral blankets I'm working on!

Faith

Things have finally settled down since the holidays and the craziness that was work in November.  :(  My colleagues and I have come to terms with the way things went down back then and we have moved on.  The office is more peaceful and we are learning to get along with each other (without our boss).  I have found faith in my company again and am eager to see where the future leads me within the organization.

This week has been a bit odd.  They announced there is a position available in another office, which I have already applied for and I have an interview Tuesday.  Their manager is very aware of my promising job performance. But on the other hand, because of mediocre job performance, some of my colleagues are not able to apply for the new position, so a little tension there…although they don't know that I have applied. I think it will do me well to get away from some of the drama from my current office.  Because even if I say it right now, I know its probably only a matter of time until my colleagues throw fits again.  They believed I (and one other) were getting special treatment…but we had the numbers and we performed our jobs exceedingly well, while some of them did not perform as well.  Work ethic goes a long way, people, trust me.  I have been very successful and I am super proud of my accomplishments.  I went to school for teaching and am now working in customer service/travel, so my prior experiences don't necessarily match up with where I am, but my successes prove that I am motivated to learn and better myself.  For example…I met my reservations (car and hotel) goal by August of last year, had doubled my goal by the end of the year AND I led the office in customer satisfaction scores…and oh, I even made my monthly goals in November when I was out on medical leave for two weeks.  I attribute my successes to being content with where life has taken me.  Although it wasn't where I thought I would be…I couldn't be happier.  And I know that if my life had taken me elsewhere, I may not have been as healthy and happy.  So I am thankful for that.

I have recovered from my exacerbation in November as well…so my mood and enthusiasm has been better. Although this week, I have been waking up with sore throats and sinus-y issues.  I am hoping thats just because we are using the heat more.  Its been a crazy winter so far!  It was nearly 60 degrees on Christmas…and it has barely snowed.  Shhhh.  Hopefully it stays that way. I'm still recovering from last winter. ;)  We finally settled on a plow guy.  That was fiasco…Our old one called in November to check and see whether we still wanted him.  I kinda said "well I was really hoping to find someone who can help me shovel, not just plow."  We had SO much snow last year that it would have taken me days to shovel out a path to get to our cars.  It was ridiculous.  This man was an older man and didn't shovel, which I totally understand.  He got kind of defensive when I told him we needed more, like he was offended or something.  Whatever, we didn't have an attachment to him whatsoever, so it was easy to cut ties.  I called several landscape companies in the area…and NO ONE returned my calls.  That was also ridiculous. I mean, don't you want the business??  So finally I was talking to the girls at work and one of them (we have rarely seen eye to eye) gave me the name of a guy she knows.  I was so grateful, but at the same time afraid to call him.  I didn't want to feel like I owed her anything if I hired him.  So I sucked it up and called him…he was wonderful.  He's a young guy in the construction business, he was happy to help and he loves to do this for people.  He actually plows out disabled Vets in the area for free!  How sweet is that?!  He's expensive, but I think it will be worth it if we get any snow.  I am grateful to have that off my back.

Been knitting a crocheting a lot lately.  I did a bunch of orders for friends and family over Christmas.  I'll devote whole post to that soon.  I'd love to start marketing my stuff and really selling it.  I have a Facebook page, but its mostly just family that follows me.  Maybe if I put it out here on my blog more people will want to follow and see what I have to offer.  I'm always adding new items and trying different things.  I love that it can relax me and help me unwind after a long day.  I love being able to show off my creativity.  :)

Pennies from Heaven

I'm not always looking for signs from above, but I do firmly believe that they happen when we most need them.  I have friends and relatives who have been taken from this earth far too soon and I like to think they are looking out for me, letting me know that they care and they haven't forgotten about little old me.  Several weeks ago, I was at the gym doing my workout and I found a few pennies on the ground.  Later that day, I found another (can't remember where).  I definitely feel that those pennies were there for a reason.  Someone was watching out for me, telling me that the next week would be difficult.  Little did I know, how difficult.

The day after finding the pennies, I had a lovely day with my parents.  I got home and was browsing through Facebook and found some posts on a friends wall that made me really worried.  Well come to find out, a fellow CFer…someone I have known personally and someone our whole community has looked up to and loved…decided to end her life.  At least thats how the news reports appeared.  She went missing and was found in her vehicle in a remote location far from her home.  Our community was shocked, heartbroken and hurt.  I cried.  A lot.  I reached out to others who knew her and we all couldn't believe what had transpired.  It will take a long time to believe she is really gone.  Especially because we didn't see her everyday.

I am not angry with her, but I am in full disbelief that someone would feel so lonely that, that is the only way out.  I know that some people do feel this way and I wish there was more we could do to help them.  It is painful for the survivors, but i think that we need to be more understanding of mental illness.  I hope to never be in that position and I had/have a lot of questions as to the why.  And I know I will never know the answers, I am coming to terms with that.  She overcame so many odds, CF, lung transplant, kidney transplant, etc…and she left us on her own terms.  She didn't let her disease beat her.  I can't imagine the pain she was feeling and I hope that she is at peace and in a better place.  I think someone, maybe her, was watching out for me that morning.  Telling me to stay strong.  Even a few days later, I think that she continued to look out for me.  I heard many songs on the radio…telling me to be strong and live my life.  RIP and Breathe Easy Dottie.  We love you.  I am a stronger and better person for having known you.  Thank you for all you gave to your fellow CFers, you will not be forgotten.

On the same day we found out she was missing, my husband and I got some good/bad/neutral medical  news regarding his condition.  In my mind, I think it is good news.  His doctors and researchers were able to pinpoint a gene that contributes to his disease.  We were told to stop trying to conceive naturally, which it hasn't happened anyway so it is unlikely to happen that way…because there is a 50/50 chance he'd pass MD on to a naturally conceived child.  We kind of had this feeling anyway.  BUT the good news is that when we decide to pursue fertility treatments further…we can use a very specialized method of IVF to weed out any embryos that would have my husbands form of MD.   Which would greatly reduce the risk of having a child with MD!  Prior to this news, we were just sort of winging it, taking the risk that we may or may not have a child with MD.  At least now, the doctors will know what to look for and we can prevent it.  As always, I am getting antsy to get on with this, but I need to be patient.  The best baby is yet to come for us and we will be forever grateful when it does happen.

The other good thing that came out of the MD diagnosis…I think my husband is feeling a lot more confident in the direction we are going.  He was always worried for many reasons and although he may not have said it out loud…I think the possibility of having a child with MD was weighing heavily on his mind.  Not to mention the fact that he won't be able to do as much for/with his child(ren) as an able-bodied person.  For now, we will move on to the next fertility steps and hope for the best.  He is much more ok with IVF now than he was before.  He is starting his new job at the end of the month, so hopefully we will have the new insurance right away.  Then we can make an appointment at the new clinic.  I was hoping to get it in before Christmas, but I am kind of thinking of putting it off until January.  I think work and life will slow down then and maybe we'd have a better chance at success with less holiday/new job stress.

I had an extremely realistic dream Friday night that I was pregnant (no, I am not right now) and although it left me quite depressed yesterday…I woke up feeling confident today.  We will not give up this dream, we will pursue it and do what it takes.  There is a reason for everything and even through the heart ache of trying to conceive naturally for the last three years, maybe that is a blessing in disguise.  It hasn't happened and there is a reason why.  So although the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of good, bad and sad news…we are still here, we are still fighting the good fight.  And we will not give up.

Changing Seasons

I am definitely not a hot weather person.  My lungs don't like to cooperate and I always seem to find something that triggers my allergies when its warm.  This summer has been no exception.  Although we did go on a vacation in the beginning of June, I feel like I haven't done many "summer-y" activities.  Sure we've been to a few bbq's and sat in our (thankfully) air conditioned home.  But I tend to stay indoors in the humidity unless I can sit on a beach or live in the water.  I have not been to any local beaches (Cape Cod is usually my favorite, or New Hampshire) which I typically treasure those times.  I have many memories as a child of packing up for the day and going to sit on the beach, play in the water, dig in the sand.  It was a part of my summer.  Of course now, I work and planning ahead for a day at the beach isn't always on my agenda.  I don't have my parents to carry the heavy cooler or make my sandwich.  ;)  This (past) summer my Sunday's consisted of cleaning the house, napping and hanging out close to home.  I guess this is all part of growing up, taking responsibility.  I would have loved the luxury of planning ahead, making sure I have sandwich meats in the house, and packing a lunch to the beach.  But I also know that if we went to the beach it would be a whole new set of exhausting for me…a long walk from the car carrying my gear.  If I had time to plan for the beach, it'd be less exhausting actually being there.  My work schedule doesn't exactly permit me to plan things in advance either so I am working on that.  Hopefully a somewhat new schedule with some weekends off is in my future

I am not saying I regret anything thats happened this summer…on another token it has been wonderfully warm, but not necessarily excruciatingly so.  Of course after last winter, I'd take anything.  Snow up to your shoulders will do that to ya.  No I am not ready for summer to be over, but I do enjoy the cool nights of fall and apple picking and pumpkin beer and cuddling under my handmade blankies. The changing seasons always seems to get me in a funk.  It's like I am ready to move on, but hesitant to do so.  I know the winter will bring me inside more so and even closer to home if I do have to go out.  I want summer to last just a little bit longer, I want to go to the beach again.  I want to do stuff outside.  I don't want to be stuck inside for a long cold winter.  I mean, last winter was like yesterday, right?!  I think thats why I am struggling so much more with this change of seasons.  I know what comes after the Fall.  So no matter how much I tell myself, I love the fall, this year I am just seeing it as a stopover to what comes next.  Many people in my area have the same thoughts.  It.Snowed.So.Much. last year.

I even (dare I say) like the winter, love the snow.  But not so soon.  ha.  I guess the moral of this is that we don't know what comes next.  This winter could be drastically different.  Maybe it won't snow at all (ha, fat chance of that).  Maybe my life will slow down enough so that I can enjoy those quiet winter days with beautiful snow falling out my windows.  Maybe if all goes well, we will be celebrating a new blessing for next year, a new life.  I know many of my thoughts have been coming back to that lately…to fertility treatments, to pregnancy, to babies.  I am glad we finally have a road to travel and we are finally going to pursue treatments, but I am deathly afraid they won't work. And that my dears, is why the winter scares me.  Because some day, I will look back on that as the winter that either "it" worked or the winter that it didn't work.

HOT, HOT, HOT

This weather is just killer. I don't have any energy to get stuff accomplished…and I really don't feel like working or working out! ;)  My house is a mess, I really hope no one stops by because it just ugh.  I need to do laundry, but its in the basement and I hate lugging it all down there and then bringing it back up and folding it.  I'd much rather have snow piles up to my ears…well I may not exactly be ready for this again…but I'd settle for under 90 and lower humidity.

This is the view from sitting in my car after one of our many snowstorms this past winter.  It was literally up to my shoulders.  My city was supposedly labeled, "the snow capital of the US".  It was a pretty extreme winter.

Of course, last week after my post and after my great update at the PT…I ended up with some moderate belly pain one evening.  I called CF clinic the next day and they sent me for an X-ray the same day.  Apparently I had a "lot of stool" built up in my colon.  So I was feeling pretty awful for a few days while that passed.  In the midst of that, I started coughing more than my norm.  So I called the doctor again on Monday.  They must be so sick of me!  LOL.  I am still feeling pretty bloated, but the pain in my belly is gone.  I also started Cayston (an inhaled antibiotic) for my cough.  So far it does seem to be helping.  I'm bringing up more junk and my cough doesn't seem as tight.  

Other than this heat, I really can't complain.  Our garden is looking awesome!  I'm spending a lot of time crocheting or knitting.  I have tons of friends and a coworker having babies lately.  So lots of small projects.  I'll try and do a whole update on that later with pictures.  I am so proud of (and in love with) ALL the things I make.  As much as I hate to give them away, I know they are going to good families who will appreciate them.  Some things I've made of late…lovey blankets (my new favorite thing, so quick and easy to do…and adorable), head bands for baby girls, large blankets, hats of course.  I have been slowly working to clean out my craft room and it really seems to be helping motivate me to craft more and use what I have!  Its a slow process, but when I feel motivated, I'll clean for a half hour or so and so far it looks really good.  The crafting is a cathartic thing for me.  It keeps my mind occupied while also relaxing me at the end of the day…as long as I'm not too tired.  Its like free therapy!  And crocheting and knitting can be done in front of the tv, so I am still spending time with hubby too.  

Exercise Update

Sunday (May 10):  15 minutes of weights.  This was my ab and shoulder work. Then I also did 25 minutes of running on the treadmill.  I alternated 5 minute warm up, 5 minutes running, 5 minutes slower, 5 five minutes running and then a 5 five minute cool down.

Wednesday: 15 minutes weights, ab and shoulders again.  And again 25 minutes running/walking on the treadmill.

Thursday: 40 minute walk along the river after work.  It was a gorgeous day!  A coworker and I brought sneakers and walked after work.  So I was walking and talking for 40 minutes.  Walking and talking has always been difficult for me as I get very out of breath.  I am hoping with all this exercise, that will get better.

Friday:  15 minutes of weights, abs and shoulders.  And again 25 minutes of running/walking.  Today I was able to do 7 minutes of straight running, then a few minutes slower, then another 5 minute running spurt.  So in total I ran at speed 4.0 for 12 minutes!  My distance in still pretty low, I think I hit 1.3 miles or so.  I'd like to work up to be able to do a 5K distance.  Not sure if I'd ever actually do a 5K, but maybe if I can gain some confidence, it will motivate me to register for one.

Sunday: TONS of yard work.  I consider this exercise because I was super sweaty and salty by the end and I was getting out of breath.  I was lifting plants, shoveling dirt, picking weeds, spreading mulch and raking.  But I am happy to say it was worth it because our yard looks perfect!

Unfortunately, I did not do before and after pics, wooops.  And I did not plant EVERYTHING in these pictures yesterday, but I did do a lot of work.

In this picture, I only did the plant on the very end of the house, you can barely see it, but it'll probably come back stronger next year.  Its difficult to see, but it is a lilac bush!  I adore lilacs and LOVE the scent.  I debated whether to do this one in the front or the back, because we will more often sit in the back so I think I'd have enjoyed it back there.  But husband said we already had too much out back! I will settle for this being outside my bedroom window!

In this picture, I laid out the raised garden bed.  Again we debated where to put this because it is vegetables and will need full sun.  This seems to be the sunniest spot as we are surrounded by trees in the back and bushes on both sides of the yard.  It doesn't appear sunny in this picture, but this was taken late in the day around 6 or so.  I also spread the mulch around the patio and planted that gorgeous blue hydrangea.  I have another on on the other corner from last year that hasn't quite come up yet.  I also moved the hosta (thats the plant you can see straight ahead in the opposite corner).  Because of where we placed the vegetable garden, that plant was blocking an entrance to the patio.  Those come back heartier and heartier every year!  ((it only kind of bothers me that our patio is no longer symmetrical))

The vegetable garden has only a few plants for now.  I want to start small and if this works, then I'll add more next year.  We can always buy more of those wooden beds.  So for now, we have a tomato plant, eggplant plant and zucchini.  The marigolds are there to keep out animals. And there are two potted plants (with I think geraniums) on the front steps and two on the side steps (with full sun/hearty impatiens) for some color in the front of the house.  There is also a hanging plant near the side entrance/driveway.

A Little Background

When CFer's have our checkups, we call them clinic visits.  I typically go every three months, unless I get sick.  But even when I get sick, I am lucky enough that my doctor doesn't necessarily need to see me.  He will call in some meds and I am good to go from home.

When a CFer gets sick with a lung infection, it can take any number of medications to get us better.  There are a few oral antibiotics, which for a non-cfer, would be considered the big guns, the good stuff,  or really strong meds.  For a CFer, these meds are simply old hat.  We've been on them 218,937 times (or something like that), we know the drill.  For a CFer, the "big guns" are IV antibiotics…which for some are also "old hat".  We've also been on these many times, but when we are on these is typically when the others don't work or we aren't getting better or we keep getting sick.

I have been extremely blessed over the last three years in that I have only had to use oral antibiotics.  It has been a whole three and a half plus years since I was hospitalized for a lung infection.  It has been three years and about 2 months since I was on home IV's.  I have several theories as to why I have been this healthy:

1) I don't teach anymore.  I went to college to pursue a degree in education and I was able to finish my college career in 4.5 years.  Again, I was relatively lucky in my health.  When I finished college, I decided to substitute teach, hoping that someday I'd break into a local school district and have the job of my dreams.  That never happened.  For that, I am grateful.  I subbed, (including several long term positions in the same classroom for weeks at a time) for around 5 years and was sick ALL the time.  Also teaching put a huge stress on my body…the workload was tough and I dealt with a lot of needy students (for lack of a better word).  I was emotionally drained thinking about "my kids" and what they went through on a daily basis.  It hurt my heart to see them struggling in school and know that they weren't getting the help they needed outside of school.  I just wanted to help them all.  To this day, I still think of many of them and it has been four years since my last subbing job ended.

2) My husband and I bought a house.  We were living in an apartment building with lots of other people…and smokers and animals.  Honestly, even though the animals and smoke were within the walls of their own apartments, I think it definitely affected me negatively.  We love our home and couldn't be happier with the location.

3) Also, when I was subbing, I was working two jobs.  Subs don't really make much money and I didn't want to get rid of my retail job in case I needed to fall back on something.  So I subbed most days and then worked retail 2-3 nights a week and on one weekend day.  It was extremely stressful and put a huge strain on my body.  When I stopped subbing, I stayed with my retail job for 3 years until last summer when I got a new job in customer service.  With this I am able to work 37.5 hours a week and be home to cook dinner.  I have a better commute and am able to spend more time on my treatments.  And I don't have to take work home and I enjoy my colleagues.

I was going to post my clinic update along with this post, but I am kind of running out of time here.  So I will split it and update my clinic visit next time.  :)