Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Emotions of Infertility

It's definitely coming down to the wire here.  It's been 3.5 years off birth control, 3.5 years of trying to conceive naturally and with treatments.  3.5 years of trying all the remedies and all the old wives tales.  3.5 years of watching friends and family become parents (some more than once). 3.5 years of emotional stress of trying to create a family of our own. 3.5 years of infertility.

Our second opinion appointment is in just about a week and a half and my emotions are more mixed than ever.  Yes, we've been there before.  We've tried some of the treatments, we've had all the tests…but this is pretty much a last resort.  This will be the "big guns" as they say.  In-Vitro Fertilization.  It is the most invasive of the fertility treatments, which is why it is usually the last thing doctors try.  There are many drugs involved.  Some are shots, some are creams, some are suppositories to keep you from miscarrying.  In addition, throughout the whole process there are endless tests, ultrasounds and blood work.

I am having so many mixed emotions, I don't even know where to begin.

Sadness:  I am sad that it has come to this.  The one thing that woman are "bred" to do naturally, and I can't even do that.  I feel like my body is broken…I have so many other health issues…why does infertility have to be one?  Why can't this one thing be easy for me, like it is for so many others?  I am hoping that eventually this sadness will give way to better emotions. It's just a part of life.  Certainly there are other people out there who have this very issue and this emotion.

Jealousy:  This ones tough to explain.  I dread sounding ungrateful.  I definitely have a lot of things going for me and I am so grateful for my current health…but I am painfully jealous of woman who can get pregnant easily.  Those who have "honeymoon" babies. Yes, your babies are loved and I am glad of that…but what about people who take their children for granted.  Those are the ones that make it so much harder to explain the jealousy.  Those who have children taken away from them, but then they keep on pro-creating. Or those who hurt their children physically and emotionally... Thats where it gets really freaking unfair.  Thats what really sucks about infertility.

Anger:  This goes along with the last part of jealousy.  I think if you read that portion, you will understand why I am angry about this process.

Excitement: I am so eagerly anticipating this appointment.  I want to get this process started, I want to meet our new doctor and I want to move forward.  We live in a great time and place for this wonderful medical treatment. Our insurance will cover most (if not all…thank you Massachusetts!) of our treatment.  If we lived in any other time or place, we probably wouldn't be seeking treatment.  I want to hear what our doctor has to say, she's supposed to be the best in the clinic!  And I want to see success.  If I keep these hopes up, maybe it will up our chances.

Happiness: That my husband and I are in this together.  That we have chosen each other and that we are ready to embark on this journey.  It won't be easy and it won't always be fun, but we have each other.  We'll get through this together, no matter what happens.  I'm happy for online support groups.  Infertility is such a personal and private struggle, my Cysters and (non-CF) friends that have been through infertility are a great treasure.  Although our journeys may not be exactly the same, it helps to know we are not alone in the struggle.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but I am glad to have others who've been there.

I am sure as things move forward there will be many more emotions.  I want it to happen quickly, but I know I need to practice patience.  Our baby will come when we are ready and when the time is perfect for us.