It's definitely coming down to the wire here. It's been 3.5 years off birth control, 3.5 years of trying to conceive naturally and with treatments. 3.5 years of trying all the remedies and all the old wives tales. 3.5 years of watching friends and family become parents (some more than once). 3.5 years of emotional stress of trying to create a family of our own. 3.5 years of infertility.
Our second opinion appointment is in just about a week and a half and my emotions are more mixed than ever. Yes, we've been there before. We've tried some of the treatments, we've had all the tests…but this is pretty much a last resort. This will be the "big guns" as they say. In-Vitro Fertilization. It is the most invasive of the fertility treatments, which is why it is usually the last thing doctors try. There are many drugs involved. Some are shots, some are creams, some are suppositories to keep you from miscarrying. In addition, throughout the whole process there are endless tests, ultrasounds and blood work.
I am having so many mixed emotions, I don't even know where to begin.
Sadness: I am sad that it has come to this. The one thing that woman are "bred" to do naturally, and I can't even do that. I feel like my body is broken…I have so many other health issues…why does infertility have to be one? Why can't this one thing be easy for me, like it is for so many others? I am hoping that eventually this sadness will give way to better emotions. It's just a part of life. Certainly there are other people out there who have this very issue and this emotion.
Jealousy: This ones tough to explain. I dread sounding ungrateful. I definitely have a lot of things going for me and I am so grateful for my current health…but I am painfully jealous of woman who can get pregnant easily. Those who have "honeymoon" babies. Yes, your babies are loved and I am glad of that…but what about people who take their children for granted. Those are the ones that make it so much harder to explain the jealousy. Those who have children taken away from them, but then they keep on pro-creating. Or those who hurt their children physically and emotionally... Thats where it gets really freaking unfair. Thats what really sucks about infertility.
Anger: This goes along with the last part of jealousy. I think if you read that portion, you will understand why I am angry about this process.
Excitement: I am so eagerly anticipating this appointment. I want to get this process started, I want to meet our new doctor and I want to move forward. We live in a great time and place for this wonderful medical treatment. Our insurance will cover most (if not all…thank you Massachusetts!) of our treatment. If we lived in any other time or place, we probably wouldn't be seeking treatment. I want to hear what our doctor has to say, she's supposed to be the best in the clinic! And I want to see success. If I keep these hopes up, maybe it will up our chances.
Happiness: That my husband and I are in this together. That we have chosen each other and that we are ready to embark on this journey. It won't be easy and it won't always be fun, but we have each other. We'll get through this together, no matter what happens. I'm happy for online support groups. Infertility is such a personal and private struggle, my Cysters and (non-CF) friends that have been through infertility are a great treasure. Although our journeys may not be exactly the same, it helps to know we are not alone in the struggle. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but I am glad to have others who've been there.
I am sure as things move forward there will be many more emotions. I want it to happen quickly, but I know I need to practice patience. Our baby will come when we are ready and when the time is perfect for us.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Faith
Things have finally settled down since the holidays and the craziness that was work in November. :( My colleagues and I have come to terms with the way things went down back then and we have moved on. The office is more peaceful and we are learning to get along with each other (without our boss). I have found faith in my company again and am eager to see where the future leads me within the organization.
This week has been a bit odd. They announced there is a position available in another office, which I have already applied for and I have an interview Tuesday. Their manager is very aware of my promising job performance. But on the other hand, because of mediocre job performance, some of my colleagues are not able to apply for the new position, so a little tension there…although they don't know that I have applied. I think it will do me well to get away from some of the drama from my current office. Because even if I say it right now, I know its probably only a matter of time until my colleagues throw fits again. They believed I (and one other) were getting special treatment…but we had the numbers and we performed our jobs exceedingly well, while some of them did not perform as well. Work ethic goes a long way, people, trust me. I have been very successful and I am super proud of my accomplishments. I went to school for teaching and am now working in customer service/travel, so my prior experiences don't necessarily match up with where I am, but my successes prove that I am motivated to learn and better myself. For example…I met my reservations (car and hotel) goal by August of last year, had doubled my goal by the end of the year AND I led the office in customer satisfaction scores…and oh, I even made my monthly goals in November when I was out on medical leave for two weeks. I attribute my successes to being content with where life has taken me. Although it wasn't where I thought I would be…I couldn't be happier. And I know that if my life had taken me elsewhere, I may not have been as healthy and happy. So I am thankful for that.
I have recovered from my exacerbation in November as well…so my mood and enthusiasm has been better. Although this week, I have been waking up with sore throats and sinus-y issues. I am hoping thats just because we are using the heat more. Its been a crazy winter so far! It was nearly 60 degrees on Christmas…and it has barely snowed. Shhhh. Hopefully it stays that way. I'm still recovering from last winter. ;) We finally settled on a plow guy. That was fiasco…Our old one called in November to check and see whether we still wanted him. I kinda said "well I was really hoping to find someone who can help me shovel, not just plow." We had SO much snow last year that it would have taken me days to shovel out a path to get to our cars. It was ridiculous. This man was an older man and didn't shovel, which I totally understand. He got kind of defensive when I told him we needed more, like he was offended or something. Whatever, we didn't have an attachment to him whatsoever, so it was easy to cut ties. I called several landscape companies in the area…and NO ONE returned my calls. That was also ridiculous. I mean, don't you want the business?? So finally I was talking to the girls at work and one of them (we have rarely seen eye to eye) gave me the name of a guy she knows. I was so grateful, but at the same time afraid to call him. I didn't want to feel like I owed her anything if I hired him. So I sucked it up and called him…he was wonderful. He's a young guy in the construction business, he was happy to help and he loves to do this for people. He actually plows out disabled Vets in the area for free! How sweet is that?! He's expensive, but I think it will be worth it if we get any snow. I am grateful to have that off my back.
Been knitting a crocheting a lot lately. I did a bunch of orders for friends and family over Christmas. I'll devote whole post to that soon. I'd love to start marketing my stuff and really selling it. I have a Facebook page, but its mostly just family that follows me. Maybe if I put it out here on my blog more people will want to follow and see what I have to offer. I'm always adding new items and trying different things. I love that it can relax me and help me unwind after a long day. I love being able to show off my creativity. :)
This week has been a bit odd. They announced there is a position available in another office, which I have already applied for and I have an interview Tuesday. Their manager is very aware of my promising job performance. But on the other hand, because of mediocre job performance, some of my colleagues are not able to apply for the new position, so a little tension there…although they don't know that I have applied. I think it will do me well to get away from some of the drama from my current office. Because even if I say it right now, I know its probably only a matter of time until my colleagues throw fits again. They believed I (and one other) were getting special treatment…but we had the numbers and we performed our jobs exceedingly well, while some of them did not perform as well. Work ethic goes a long way, people, trust me. I have been very successful and I am super proud of my accomplishments. I went to school for teaching and am now working in customer service/travel, so my prior experiences don't necessarily match up with where I am, but my successes prove that I am motivated to learn and better myself. For example…I met my reservations (car and hotel) goal by August of last year, had doubled my goal by the end of the year AND I led the office in customer satisfaction scores…and oh, I even made my monthly goals in November when I was out on medical leave for two weeks. I attribute my successes to being content with where life has taken me. Although it wasn't where I thought I would be…I couldn't be happier. And I know that if my life had taken me elsewhere, I may not have been as healthy and happy. So I am thankful for that.
I have recovered from my exacerbation in November as well…so my mood and enthusiasm has been better. Although this week, I have been waking up with sore throats and sinus-y issues. I am hoping thats just because we are using the heat more. Its been a crazy winter so far! It was nearly 60 degrees on Christmas…and it has barely snowed. Shhhh. Hopefully it stays that way. I'm still recovering from last winter. ;) We finally settled on a plow guy. That was fiasco…Our old one called in November to check and see whether we still wanted him. I kinda said "well I was really hoping to find someone who can help me shovel, not just plow." We had SO much snow last year that it would have taken me days to shovel out a path to get to our cars. It was ridiculous. This man was an older man and didn't shovel, which I totally understand. He got kind of defensive when I told him we needed more, like he was offended or something. Whatever, we didn't have an attachment to him whatsoever, so it was easy to cut ties. I called several landscape companies in the area…and NO ONE returned my calls. That was also ridiculous. I mean, don't you want the business?? So finally I was talking to the girls at work and one of them (we have rarely seen eye to eye) gave me the name of a guy she knows. I was so grateful, but at the same time afraid to call him. I didn't want to feel like I owed her anything if I hired him. So I sucked it up and called him…he was wonderful. He's a young guy in the construction business, he was happy to help and he loves to do this for people. He actually plows out disabled Vets in the area for free! How sweet is that?! He's expensive, but I think it will be worth it if we get any snow. I am grateful to have that off my back.
Been knitting a crocheting a lot lately. I did a bunch of orders for friends and family over Christmas. I'll devote whole post to that soon. I'd love to start marketing my stuff and really selling it. I have a Facebook page, but its mostly just family that follows me. Maybe if I put it out here on my blog more people will want to follow and see what I have to offer. I'm always adding new items and trying different things. I love that it can relax me and help me unwind after a long day. I love being able to show off my creativity. :)
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Where to begin?
This last month has been a whirlwind of health issues, emotional trials and so much more.
Growing up, everyone knew I had CF…friends, family, neighbors and teachers, even my bosses. You would think that means that I would easily be able to talk about CF with anyone these days. When I went to college, I didn't want everyone to know. I didn't want to be judged or coddled. I didn't want people to treat me differently because I had a chronic disease. I wanted to prove that I could keep up with the work load, that I could earn my degree and that I could do ANYTHING everyone else was doing (with little to no intervention). This worked for quite a while. But somewhere things changed. I graduated in May of 2006 with the intention of going back that fall to complete my student teaching. I found out right before the start of the school year, that the school I was to do my student teaching at had a student with CF that would have been close to my assigned classroom. In a very quick few moments, I and my cooperating teacher, and my college supervisor decided to switch schools. If this had not happened in this dramatic way, my life may have been quite different.
Most importantly...my college supervisor would not have known about my CF, she would not have blabbed to the whole faculty, she would not have told prospective employers. This supervisor is the one who made me lose trust in my employers. She was supposed to be a person I could turn to and confide in about my disease. It turns out, that wasn't the case. She told prospective employers that I had a disability, ruining my chances to work in that school. In all honesty…I think by doing this, she made me distrust a lot of my supervisors over the years. She made me even more scared to reveal my disability/disease/condition to anyone.
I am not saying I regret any of what happened, after all…its made me who I am today. And I know everything happens for a reason. Teaching was not the job for me.
You are probably all saying "what does that have to do with today?" Ever since then, I have shied away from talking about my CF, unless you are a close friend or relative. It has made me less trustworthy of authority and at this point, I think it is starting to hinder my job and my ability to move up in my current position.
I have been with my current job for 1.5 years now. At first I loved it, loved the people, love what I do. I am good at what I do, so how can I not be happy? I think deep down, I wanted to trust my newfound coworker (friends), but in the back of my mind I couldn't forget what happened all those years ago with my college supervisor. I found a friend in my new job and I confided in her about my CF…but it still took more than a year and she is only an equal (same position), she is not a supervisor. We have a lot in common and I just felt a connection. And finally it didn't backfire on me! I was shocked. All she did was care and she wanted to help me. She asked questions, she acted motherly when it was needed, but she was a realist at the same time. She didn't baby me, she didn't coddle, but she was there when I needed someone to vent to. And she didn't hoard me with questions, we still concentrated on work and we helped each other.
When I started to get sicker this fall, I knew someone else needed to know. And again, I was afraid. I didn't want my job to be in jeopardy, I didn't want sympathy. So I finally told my boss! It was so freeing to finally have it all out there. I knew in my heart that he would do anything to protect my job and to be the manager I needed as someone with a chronic illness. He had seen my ability in the job and he knew that the CF wasn't going to hold me back. He wanted to help me. I seriously, could not stop smiling after I told him. It was incredibly cathartic. I finally had a supervisor on my side and I knew instinctively that he would be there for me.
Less than a week later, that all changed when he got let go from the company and I was in the beginning stages of a CF exacerbation. I was/am still heartbroken. It is a long story and I don't want to give "press time" to the people who caused this firing. But again, I was in a position I wasn't ready for. I needed to take time off for my health and again didn't have anyone I felt a connection with that I could confide in. Whats a girl to do? I went back to my one friend from the office who was still there and she helped me through. But she wasn't a supervisor, she was/is my equal. She wasn't going to be able to protect me and help me the way our boss would have. I ended up telling someone solely out of need. I was going to be admitted to the hospital and needed time off. I spoke with her about protecting my job and that I wanted to come back to work with a clean slate…able to help the office recover and become great again.
I am currently back to work part time until next week and I am still struggling emotionally with all thats gone on. Work is not as enjoyable as it used to be, we don't joke around and again we don't know who we can trust. I know that I will be the bigger person and put on my happy face, but it is extremely hard. I am a very forgiving person but right now because of what went down with my boss…I don't feel like I can trust everyone. As I said, its a complicated situation, but I do want to be better and I want to be a leader in my office, but not everyone sees me that way. I feel like its an us against them mentality and I don't know how to make the others see that I am good and I am successful. I know it in my heart, so why do they need to question it?
I know this may not all make sense if anyone is reading this, but I just needed to vent. So this is whats been happening. It will get easier, I just have to keep telling myself that. Once I can get a full night sleep (without having to do IV's every few hours), I think I will be better able to tackle silly "work drama". I am grateful to still have a job, to still be able to work, to still get out of bed every day and love my life. And after all…its almost the holiday season, I love the holidays and I can and I will find enjoyment in the little things in my life.
Growing up, everyone knew I had CF…friends, family, neighbors and teachers, even my bosses. You would think that means that I would easily be able to talk about CF with anyone these days. When I went to college, I didn't want everyone to know. I didn't want to be judged or coddled. I didn't want people to treat me differently because I had a chronic disease. I wanted to prove that I could keep up with the work load, that I could earn my degree and that I could do ANYTHING everyone else was doing (with little to no intervention). This worked for quite a while. But somewhere things changed. I graduated in May of 2006 with the intention of going back that fall to complete my student teaching. I found out right before the start of the school year, that the school I was to do my student teaching at had a student with CF that would have been close to my assigned classroom. In a very quick few moments, I and my cooperating teacher, and my college supervisor decided to switch schools. If this had not happened in this dramatic way, my life may have been quite different.
Most importantly...my college supervisor would not have known about my CF, she would not have blabbed to the whole faculty, she would not have told prospective employers. This supervisor is the one who made me lose trust in my employers. She was supposed to be a person I could turn to and confide in about my disease. It turns out, that wasn't the case. She told prospective employers that I had a disability, ruining my chances to work in that school. In all honesty…I think by doing this, she made me distrust a lot of my supervisors over the years. She made me even more scared to reveal my disability/disease/condition to anyone.
I am not saying I regret any of what happened, after all…its made me who I am today. And I know everything happens for a reason. Teaching was not the job for me.
You are probably all saying "what does that have to do with today?" Ever since then, I have shied away from talking about my CF, unless you are a close friend or relative. It has made me less trustworthy of authority and at this point, I think it is starting to hinder my job and my ability to move up in my current position.
I have been with my current job for 1.5 years now. At first I loved it, loved the people, love what I do. I am good at what I do, so how can I not be happy? I think deep down, I wanted to trust my newfound coworker (friends), but in the back of my mind I couldn't forget what happened all those years ago with my college supervisor. I found a friend in my new job and I confided in her about my CF…but it still took more than a year and she is only an equal (same position), she is not a supervisor. We have a lot in common and I just felt a connection. And finally it didn't backfire on me! I was shocked. All she did was care and she wanted to help me. She asked questions, she acted motherly when it was needed, but she was a realist at the same time. She didn't baby me, she didn't coddle, but she was there when I needed someone to vent to. And she didn't hoard me with questions, we still concentrated on work and we helped each other.
When I started to get sicker this fall, I knew someone else needed to know. And again, I was afraid. I didn't want my job to be in jeopardy, I didn't want sympathy. So I finally told my boss! It was so freeing to finally have it all out there. I knew in my heart that he would do anything to protect my job and to be the manager I needed as someone with a chronic illness. He had seen my ability in the job and he knew that the CF wasn't going to hold me back. He wanted to help me. I seriously, could not stop smiling after I told him. It was incredibly cathartic. I finally had a supervisor on my side and I knew instinctively that he would be there for me.
Less than a week later, that all changed when he got let go from the company and I was in the beginning stages of a CF exacerbation. I was/am still heartbroken. It is a long story and I don't want to give "press time" to the people who caused this firing. But again, I was in a position I wasn't ready for. I needed to take time off for my health and again didn't have anyone I felt a connection with that I could confide in. Whats a girl to do? I went back to my one friend from the office who was still there and she helped me through. But she wasn't a supervisor, she was/is my equal. She wasn't going to be able to protect me and help me the way our boss would have. I ended up telling someone solely out of need. I was going to be admitted to the hospital and needed time off. I spoke with her about protecting my job and that I wanted to come back to work with a clean slate…able to help the office recover and become great again.
I am currently back to work part time until next week and I am still struggling emotionally with all thats gone on. Work is not as enjoyable as it used to be, we don't joke around and again we don't know who we can trust. I know that I will be the bigger person and put on my happy face, but it is extremely hard. I am a very forgiving person but right now because of what went down with my boss…I don't feel like I can trust everyone. As I said, its a complicated situation, but I do want to be better and I want to be a leader in my office, but not everyone sees me that way. I feel like its an us against them mentality and I don't know how to make the others see that I am good and I am successful. I know it in my heart, so why do they need to question it?
I know this may not all make sense if anyone is reading this, but I just needed to vent. So this is whats been happening. It will get easier, I just have to keep telling myself that. Once I can get a full night sleep (without having to do IV's every few hours), I think I will be better able to tackle silly "work drama". I am grateful to still have a job, to still be able to work, to still get out of bed every day and love my life. And after all…its almost the holiday season, I love the holidays and I can and I will find enjoyment in the little things in my life.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Pennies from Heaven
I'm not always looking for signs from above, but I do firmly believe that they happen when we most need them. I have friends and relatives who have been taken from this earth far too soon and I like to think they are looking out for me, letting me know that they care and they haven't forgotten about little old me. Several weeks ago, I was at the gym doing my workout and I found a few pennies on the ground. Later that day, I found another (can't remember where). I definitely feel that those pennies were there for a reason. Someone was watching out for me, telling me that the next week would be difficult. Little did I know, how difficult.
The day after finding the pennies, I had a lovely day with my parents. I got home and was browsing through Facebook and found some posts on a friends wall that made me really worried. Well come to find out, a fellow CFer…someone I have known personally and someone our whole community has looked up to and loved…decided to end her life. At least thats how the news reports appeared. She went missing and was found in her vehicle in a remote location far from her home. Our community was shocked, heartbroken and hurt. I cried. A lot. I reached out to others who knew her and we all couldn't believe what had transpired. It will take a long time to believe she is really gone. Especially because we didn't see her everyday.
I am not angry with her, but I am in full disbelief that someone would feel so lonely that, that is the only way out. I know that some people do feel this way and I wish there was more we could do to help them. It is painful for the survivors, but i think that we need to be more understanding of mental illness. I hope to never be in that position and I had/have a lot of questions as to the why. And I know I will never know the answers, I am coming to terms with that. She overcame so many odds, CF, lung transplant, kidney transplant, etc…and she left us on her own terms. She didn't let her disease beat her. I can't imagine the pain she was feeling and I hope that she is at peace and in a better place. I think someone, maybe her, was watching out for me that morning. Telling me to stay strong. Even a few days later, I think that she continued to look out for me. I heard many songs on the radio…telling me to be strong and live my life. RIP and Breathe Easy Dottie. We love you. I am a stronger and better person for having known you. Thank you for all you gave to your fellow CFers, you will not be forgotten.
On the same day we found out she was missing, my husband and I got some good/bad/neutral medical news regarding his condition. In my mind, I think it is good news. His doctors and researchers were able to pinpoint a gene that contributes to his disease. We were told to stop trying to conceive naturally, which it hasn't happened anyway so it is unlikely to happen that way…because there is a 50/50 chance he'd pass MD on to a naturally conceived child. We kind of had this feeling anyway. BUT the good news is that when we decide to pursue fertility treatments further…we can use a very specialized method of IVF to weed out any embryos that would have my husbands form of MD. Which would greatly reduce the risk of having a child with MD! Prior to this news, we were just sort of winging it, taking the risk that we may or may not have a child with MD. At least now, the doctors will know what to look for and we can prevent it. As always, I am getting antsy to get on with this, but I need to be patient. The best baby is yet to come for us and we will be forever grateful when it does happen.
The other good thing that came out of the MD diagnosis…I think my husband is feeling a lot more confident in the direction we are going. He was always worried for many reasons and although he may not have said it out loud…I think the possibility of having a child with MD was weighing heavily on his mind. Not to mention the fact that he won't be able to do as much for/with his child(ren) as an able-bodied person. For now, we will move on to the next fertility steps and hope for the best. He is much more ok with IVF now than he was before. He is starting his new job at the end of the month, so hopefully we will have the new insurance right away. Then we can make an appointment at the new clinic. I was hoping to get it in before Christmas, but I am kind of thinking of putting it off until January. I think work and life will slow down then and maybe we'd have a better chance at success with less holiday/new job stress.
I had an extremely realistic dream Friday night that I was pregnant (no, I am not right now) and although it left me quite depressed yesterday…I woke up feeling confident today. We will not give up this dream, we will pursue it and do what it takes. There is a reason for everything and even through the heart ache of trying to conceive naturally for the last three years, maybe that is a blessing in disguise. It hasn't happened and there is a reason why. So although the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of good, bad and sad news…we are still here, we are still fighting the good fight. And we will not give up.
The day after finding the pennies, I had a lovely day with my parents. I got home and was browsing through Facebook and found some posts on a friends wall that made me really worried. Well come to find out, a fellow CFer…someone I have known personally and someone our whole community has looked up to and loved…decided to end her life. At least thats how the news reports appeared. She went missing and was found in her vehicle in a remote location far from her home. Our community was shocked, heartbroken and hurt. I cried. A lot. I reached out to others who knew her and we all couldn't believe what had transpired. It will take a long time to believe she is really gone. Especially because we didn't see her everyday.
I am not angry with her, but I am in full disbelief that someone would feel so lonely that, that is the only way out. I know that some people do feel this way and I wish there was more we could do to help them. It is painful for the survivors, but i think that we need to be more understanding of mental illness. I hope to never be in that position and I had/have a lot of questions as to the why. And I know I will never know the answers, I am coming to terms with that. She overcame so many odds, CF, lung transplant, kidney transplant, etc…and she left us on her own terms. She didn't let her disease beat her. I can't imagine the pain she was feeling and I hope that she is at peace and in a better place. I think someone, maybe her, was watching out for me that morning. Telling me to stay strong. Even a few days later, I think that she continued to look out for me. I heard many songs on the radio…telling me to be strong and live my life. RIP and Breathe Easy Dottie. We love you. I am a stronger and better person for having known you. Thank you for all you gave to your fellow CFers, you will not be forgotten.
On the same day we found out she was missing, my husband and I got some good/bad/neutral medical news regarding his condition. In my mind, I think it is good news. His doctors and researchers were able to pinpoint a gene that contributes to his disease. We were told to stop trying to conceive naturally, which it hasn't happened anyway so it is unlikely to happen that way…because there is a 50/50 chance he'd pass MD on to a naturally conceived child. We kind of had this feeling anyway. BUT the good news is that when we decide to pursue fertility treatments further…we can use a very specialized method of IVF to weed out any embryos that would have my husbands form of MD. Which would greatly reduce the risk of having a child with MD! Prior to this news, we were just sort of winging it, taking the risk that we may or may not have a child with MD. At least now, the doctors will know what to look for and we can prevent it. As always, I am getting antsy to get on with this, but I need to be patient. The best baby is yet to come for us and we will be forever grateful when it does happen.
The other good thing that came out of the MD diagnosis…I think my husband is feeling a lot more confident in the direction we are going. He was always worried for many reasons and although he may not have said it out loud…I think the possibility of having a child with MD was weighing heavily on his mind. Not to mention the fact that he won't be able to do as much for/with his child(ren) as an able-bodied person. For now, we will move on to the next fertility steps and hope for the best. He is much more ok with IVF now than he was before. He is starting his new job at the end of the month, so hopefully we will have the new insurance right away. Then we can make an appointment at the new clinic. I was hoping to get it in before Christmas, but I am kind of thinking of putting it off until January. I think work and life will slow down then and maybe we'd have a better chance at success with less holiday/new job stress.
I had an extremely realistic dream Friday night that I was pregnant (no, I am not right now) and although it left me quite depressed yesterday…I woke up feeling confident today. We will not give up this dream, we will pursue it and do what it takes. There is a reason for everything and even through the heart ache of trying to conceive naturally for the last three years, maybe that is a blessing in disguise. It hasn't happened and there is a reason why. So although the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of good, bad and sad news…we are still here, we are still fighting the good fight. And we will not give up.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Changing Seasons
I am definitely not a hot weather person. My lungs don't like to cooperate and I always seem to find something that triggers my allergies when its warm. This summer has been no exception. Although we did go on a vacation in the beginning of June, I feel like I haven't done many "summer-y" activities. Sure we've been to a few bbq's and sat in our (thankfully) air conditioned home. But I tend to stay indoors in the humidity unless I can sit on a beach or live in the water. I have not been to any local beaches (Cape Cod is usually my favorite, or New Hampshire) which I typically treasure those times. I have many memories as a child of packing up for the day and going to sit on the beach, play in the water, dig in the sand. It was a part of my summer. Of course now, I work and planning ahead for a day at the beach isn't always on my agenda. I don't have my parents to carry the heavy cooler or make my sandwich. ;) This (past) summer my Sunday's consisted of cleaning the house, napping and hanging out close to home. I guess this is all part of growing up, taking responsibility. I would have loved the luxury of planning ahead, making sure I have sandwich meats in the house, and packing a lunch to the beach. But I also know that if we went to the beach it would be a whole new set of exhausting for me…a long walk from the car carrying my gear. If I had time to plan for the beach, it'd be less exhausting actually being there. My work schedule doesn't exactly permit me to plan things in advance either so I am working on that. Hopefully a somewhat new schedule with some weekends off is in my future
I am not saying I regret anything thats happened this summer…on another token it has been wonderfully warm, but not necessarily excruciatingly so. Of course after last winter, I'd take anything. Snow up to your shoulders will do that to ya. No I am not ready for summer to be over, but I do enjoy the cool nights of fall and apple picking and pumpkin beer and cuddling under my handmade blankies. The changing seasons always seems to get me in a funk. It's like I am ready to move on, but hesitant to do so. I know the winter will bring me inside more so and even closer to home if I do have to go out. I want summer to last just a little bit longer, I want to go to the beach again. I want to do stuff outside. I don't want to be stuck inside for a long cold winter. I mean, last winter was like yesterday, right?! I think thats why I am struggling so much more with this change of seasons. I know what comes after the Fall. So no matter how much I tell myself, I love the fall, this year I am just seeing it as a stopover to what comes next. Many people in my area have the same thoughts. It.Snowed.So.Much. last year.
I even (dare I say) like the winter, love the snow. But not so soon. ha. I guess the moral of this is that we don't know what comes next. This winter could be drastically different. Maybe it won't snow at all (ha, fat chance of that). Maybe my life will slow down enough so that I can enjoy those quiet winter days with beautiful snow falling out my windows. Maybe if all goes well, we will be celebrating a new blessing for next year, a new life. I know many of my thoughts have been coming back to that lately…to fertility treatments, to pregnancy, to babies. I am glad we finally have a road to travel and we are finally going to pursue treatments, but I am deathly afraid they won't work. And that my dears, is why the winter scares me. Because some day, I will look back on that as the winter that either "it" worked or the winter that it didn't work.
I am not saying I regret anything thats happened this summer…on another token it has been wonderfully warm, but not necessarily excruciatingly so. Of course after last winter, I'd take anything. Snow up to your shoulders will do that to ya. No I am not ready for summer to be over, but I do enjoy the cool nights of fall and apple picking and pumpkin beer and cuddling under my handmade blankies. The changing seasons always seems to get me in a funk. It's like I am ready to move on, but hesitant to do so. I know the winter will bring me inside more so and even closer to home if I do have to go out. I want summer to last just a little bit longer, I want to go to the beach again. I want to do stuff outside. I don't want to be stuck inside for a long cold winter. I mean, last winter was like yesterday, right?! I think thats why I am struggling so much more with this change of seasons. I know what comes after the Fall. So no matter how much I tell myself, I love the fall, this year I am just seeing it as a stopover to what comes next. Many people in my area have the same thoughts. It.Snowed.So.Much. last year.
I even (dare I say) like the winter, love the snow. But not so soon. ha. I guess the moral of this is that we don't know what comes next. This winter could be drastically different. Maybe it won't snow at all (ha, fat chance of that). Maybe my life will slow down enough so that I can enjoy those quiet winter days with beautiful snow falling out my windows. Maybe if all goes well, we will be celebrating a new blessing for next year, a new life. I know many of my thoughts have been coming back to that lately…to fertility treatments, to pregnancy, to babies. I am glad we finally have a road to travel and we are finally going to pursue treatments, but I am deathly afraid they won't work. And that my dears, is why the winter scares me. Because some day, I will look back on that as the winter that either "it" worked or the winter that it didn't work.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
September 4
So I guess that's what this will all come down to, September 4 we have our appointment with the fertility specialist…again. I thought maybe I'd be excited/happy to finally be doing this again, but I really can't describe my feelings. I have been extremely on edge lately, letting little things bother me more than they should, and just generally feeling very anxious. I want this to happen, I want to be pregnant. I want to be a mom, I want to create a family with my husband. But I have this intense fear that it won't work. That it'll never happen. According to our insurance, we have five chances. What happens after that? What if those five chances don't work? What if one of them does work?
I think my anxiety about this process has been compounded by non-understanding friends and family. There are only a few people (besides all of my CF sisters) that know of our struggles to conceive. One of them is a good friend from college whose sister also went through infertility. I have often felt that only opening up to people who've been in my shoes will help me, so I opened up to this friend. They should understand, and they will comfort me and guide me because they know what its like. But anyway…this friend from college has a 2 year old and she emailed our group of friends to set up a "play date" for the kids (2 of the 5 girls have kids). Before you judge me, please know how difficult that type of thing is for someone trying to conceive. I adore children, I love their snuggles and their laughter…but in my current state of mind, I really am not finding as much enjoyment in that. Why am I being invited to your child's playdate? Do I have to go? Will I be "disowned" from our group if I refuse or cancel at the last minute? A lot of this trying to conceive is putting on a happy face and moving on…getting up and going about your day as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Right now, I don't want to do that. I don't want to put on my happy face.
It is such a personal struggle, feeling like you're doing something wrong. IF you talked about this, it becomes very personal. Or for those who've never had these struggles, it becomes a very awkward subject. They don't see why you are so upset…or why you can't just "relax" and "let it happen". The problem is infertility is a very real medical struggle. There are reasons why this isn't happening and sometimes it takes a lot of medical tests and procedures to make it right. Relaxing won't work for those problems. This is something that so many people are able to achieve freely and easily and for those of us who can't…it feels as if we are broken.
And then there's Facebook. Again, I adore seeing pictures of your kids and the funny stories make me laugh…its the "my life is so much better with kids" posts that irritate me. I hate the way this is coming out, but I can't verbalize the emotions. I would do anything to be in your position. I would love to be a mom posting pictures and anecdotes of my little one(s). But right now, I don't want to be anywhere near those posts. Again it goes back to the "i'm going to put on my happy face" attitude. If I take a break from Facebook or stop posting/commenting…people will worry. My family will wonder whats going on…and I can't bear the thought of having to tell them I can't/haven't been able to conceive.
I think my anxiety about this process has been compounded by non-understanding friends and family. There are only a few people (besides all of my CF sisters) that know of our struggles to conceive. One of them is a good friend from college whose sister also went through infertility. I have often felt that only opening up to people who've been in my shoes will help me, so I opened up to this friend. They should understand, and they will comfort me and guide me because they know what its like. But anyway…this friend from college has a 2 year old and she emailed our group of friends to set up a "play date" for the kids (2 of the 5 girls have kids). Before you judge me, please know how difficult that type of thing is for someone trying to conceive. I adore children, I love their snuggles and their laughter…but in my current state of mind, I really am not finding as much enjoyment in that. Why am I being invited to your child's playdate? Do I have to go? Will I be "disowned" from our group if I refuse or cancel at the last minute? A lot of this trying to conceive is putting on a happy face and moving on…getting up and going about your day as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Right now, I don't want to do that. I don't want to put on my happy face.
It is such a personal struggle, feeling like you're doing something wrong. IF you talked about this, it becomes very personal. Or for those who've never had these struggles, it becomes a very awkward subject. They don't see why you are so upset…or why you can't just "relax" and "let it happen". The problem is infertility is a very real medical struggle. There are reasons why this isn't happening and sometimes it takes a lot of medical tests and procedures to make it right. Relaxing won't work for those problems. This is something that so many people are able to achieve freely and easily and for those of us who can't…it feels as if we are broken.
And then there's Facebook. Again, I adore seeing pictures of your kids and the funny stories make me laugh…its the "my life is so much better with kids" posts that irritate me. I hate the way this is coming out, but I can't verbalize the emotions. I would do anything to be in your position. I would love to be a mom posting pictures and anecdotes of my little one(s). But right now, I don't want to be anywhere near those posts. Again it goes back to the "i'm going to put on my happy face" attitude. If I take a break from Facebook or stop posting/commenting…people will worry. My family will wonder whats going on…and I can't bear the thought of having to tell them I can't/haven't been able to conceive.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
What I've been waiting for!
Two major updates on this post. And a minor update.
Update #1: Physical Therapy Progress
I had another monthly check with my clinic PT the other day. I've been working with him monthly on strength and conditioning exercises. Usually he will give me new exercises to work into my routine at the gym. This week, we did a whole reevaluation…and I am thrilled to say I have made some great progress! My six minute walk test improved by 12%, I was able to increase my bicep and tricep weight tolerance by 5 pounds and I had amazingly improved on planks and pushups! Wahooo!!
I tried to tell him that I could tell it was all working because my legs felt "less flabby". And in truth, I have felt that my body shape has improved as well, not as much jiggling in my belly. When I was at the gym later in the week, I watched myself in the mirror and could see the difference when I did whatever exercise it was that I was working on. So instead of adding new exercises this week, he just increased the intensity of what I have been doing…so if I was planking for 30 seconds before, I now have to do 45 seconds. Or if I was doing 6 push ups before, I have to do 10 now. And for exercises with weights, I have to do 12.5 pounds instead of 10.
I am extremely excited for these results. It's great motivation for me to keep going. I want to see progress and change. To think that I've been meeting with the PT for 10 weeks now…I was on vacation for one whole week, had a few bouts of bowel blockages in which I was not able to work out…and to see progress despite all of that, I am pretty amazed! What will the next month bring, if I can go to the gym more frequently and I don't get sick? *insert happy face*
Update #2: Fertility Treatments
It took us quite a while…but we finally have our new insurance! And of course I called to see what they cover for fertility right away. The general copay is quite steep (in my opinion, and compared to before)…BUT our deductible is very low. So…if we meet our deductible (with fertility visits OR any other medical costs)…then there would be no additional cost for treatments. Since we just started with the insurance it isn't likely we will have met our deductible any time soon…and of course that deductible would start over again on January 1.
So I called the fertility clinic yesterday to start thinking about getting back there. They gave me a list of dates that our doctor is in the office and as soon as husband and I can agree on a date, I will call them back. Since we've already done two tries with IUI, my inkling is that he (the doctor) will want to proceed right to IVF. I am ok with that, but I am not sure husband is ready for that. The one problem with the new insurance is that we have a lifetime limit of five cycles of fertility treatments. So naturally, I don't want to waste any of those on IUI if it might not work. I might agree to one more round of that, but I don't want to keep that up. I just don't know. I have said previously, I have this intense fear that pregnancy will never happen for me and I am scared. I know there are other things in life that could fill that emptiness, I want to be able to say "at least we gave it our all".
Minor Update:
I've been doing a LOT of knitting and crocheting! It has really helped to take my mind off of fertility stuff…and it gives me great pride to see someone's happy face when I give them something beautifully hand crafted. That's why I haven't updated much on here. I started a Facebook to sell my stuff and in one week, I have 150 likes! GO ME! I've kind of been biding my time to open up this page. I've wanted to do it for a while, but never felt I was good enough or that people would like my stuff. But a few weeks ago (before I set up the page) I posted a picture of a doll outfit that I had made and one of my friends immediately commented and said "I need two of these!" So that gave me confidence to set up my site. Check it out and give me a like! https://www.facebook.com/yarncraftsbycait
Update #1: Physical Therapy Progress
I had another monthly check with my clinic PT the other day. I've been working with him monthly on strength and conditioning exercises. Usually he will give me new exercises to work into my routine at the gym. This week, we did a whole reevaluation…and I am thrilled to say I have made some great progress! My six minute walk test improved by 12%, I was able to increase my bicep and tricep weight tolerance by 5 pounds and I had amazingly improved on planks and pushups! Wahooo!!
I tried to tell him that I could tell it was all working because my legs felt "less flabby". And in truth, I have felt that my body shape has improved as well, not as much jiggling in my belly. When I was at the gym later in the week, I watched myself in the mirror and could see the difference when I did whatever exercise it was that I was working on. So instead of adding new exercises this week, he just increased the intensity of what I have been doing…so if I was planking for 30 seconds before, I now have to do 45 seconds. Or if I was doing 6 push ups before, I have to do 10 now. And for exercises with weights, I have to do 12.5 pounds instead of 10.
I am extremely excited for these results. It's great motivation for me to keep going. I want to see progress and change. To think that I've been meeting with the PT for 10 weeks now…I was on vacation for one whole week, had a few bouts of bowel blockages in which I was not able to work out…and to see progress despite all of that, I am pretty amazed! What will the next month bring, if I can go to the gym more frequently and I don't get sick? *insert happy face*
Update #2: Fertility Treatments
It took us quite a while…but we finally have our new insurance! And of course I called to see what they cover for fertility right away. The general copay is quite steep (in my opinion, and compared to before)…BUT our deductible is very low. So…if we meet our deductible (with fertility visits OR any other medical costs)…then there would be no additional cost for treatments. Since we just started with the insurance it isn't likely we will have met our deductible any time soon…and of course that deductible would start over again on January 1.
So I called the fertility clinic yesterday to start thinking about getting back there. They gave me a list of dates that our doctor is in the office and as soon as husband and I can agree on a date, I will call them back. Since we've already done two tries with IUI, my inkling is that he (the doctor) will want to proceed right to IVF. I am ok with that, but I am not sure husband is ready for that. The one problem with the new insurance is that we have a lifetime limit of five cycles of fertility treatments. So naturally, I don't want to waste any of those on IUI if it might not work. I might agree to one more round of that, but I don't want to keep that up. I just don't know. I have said previously, I have this intense fear that pregnancy will never happen for me and I am scared. I know there are other things in life that could fill that emptiness, I want to be able to say "at least we gave it our all".
Minor Update:
I've been doing a LOT of knitting and crocheting! It has really helped to take my mind off of fertility stuff…and it gives me great pride to see someone's happy face when I give them something beautifully hand crafted. That's why I haven't updated much on here. I started a Facebook to sell my stuff and in one week, I have 150 likes! GO ME! I've kind of been biding my time to open up this page. I've wanted to do it for a while, but never felt I was good enough or that people would like my stuff. But a few weeks ago (before I set up the page) I posted a picture of a doll outfit that I had made and one of my friends immediately commented and said "I need two of these!" So that gave me confidence to set up my site. Check it out and give me a like! https://www.facebook.com/yarncraftsbycait
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