I wasn't going to post about this day because honestly I didn't/still don't know what to write. I wasn't expecting to have such mixed emotions, but as the day got closer, it was harder and harder for me to grasp and I don't want to be a "debbie downer" all the time on this blog…but hey, this is what I started the blog for. I needed an outlet for my feelings when a therapist or social worker is unavailable.
I am not a mother yet. I have wanted to be a mother since like forever. I always wanted to take care of my little cousins and I begged my parents to have more children so I could snuggle babies (they didn't listen of course…and I only have one sister). I love looking at baby equipment and if I do get pregnant I pretty much have my whole nursery picked out. I dream of the day that I can start knitting or crocheting projects for my baby. I don't want to start now, because I feel like I may jinx it in some way. I have not purchased anything for my own future children because it would be too heartbreaking to have in the house. I love to nurture and help and I want to be able to watch my own children grow, not just other peoples kids.
My mom lost her mother at a very young age. My heart breaks for that. Although I may not say it to her, I am incredibly grateful to still have my mother around with me. And also my paternal grandmother. We are all very close. My sister and I spent the day with mom, thats all she wanted. We weren't supposed to spend money on her, just time. We took her to lunch and then went over to my grandmothers, where my dad and uncles were helping Nana. Nana (and our family in general) has had a difficult few months and it was lovely to see her and just talk.
So overall, I did have a nice Mother's Day. It is the start of a new month of trying to conceive, of new hopes that this will be the month. And if not, in the words of Tom Petty "I won't back down". I will not give up. My husband starts his new job in a few short weeks and if we still are not pregnant the normal way, maybe we can go back to fertility treatments as soon as our new insurance takes effect!